Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to AdLib
by Tomlette
Summary: What may have happened in certian scenes from various LOK games had the characters strayed from their script. COMPLETE! None of these characters are mine, blah blah, please don't sue me, blah blah blah, Raziel rules, blah blah
1. Soul Reaver: Raziel and Kain

Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib...  
  
Raziel stumbles backwards from his last, and seemingly final attack on Kain. Kain was visibly wounded, though Raziel had seen him worse for wear before, and was not quick enough to stop him from teleporting to the top level of the Chronoplast, where the active gateway waited to be put to use and thus take Kain into Nosgoth's past.  
"You almost had me, Raziel," Kain said with a slight smirk, "But this is not where—or how—it ends."  
Easy for you to say, thought Raziel. Kain had always been such a pompous...but that didn't matter. His vengeance was all that mattered. And he would get it, one way...or another.  
"Fate promises more twists before this drama unfolds completely," Kain concluded, and then turned towards the gateway. But Raziel blinked as he considered what Kain had just said.  
"Hold it," he exclaimed suddenly. Kain did and looked around; he was obviously surprised that Raziel had tried to stop him. He didn't remember reading anything about this in the script... "Kain, think about what you just said. 'Fate promises more twists before this drama unfolds completely.' What, did Fate send you an e-mail? 'Yo, Kain, take Raziel through the Chronoplast. If you do, I promise more twists before your drama unfolds completely'?"  
Kain grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't write the script, okay? You have issues, take it up with Eidos or Crystal Dynamics, not me."  
"Well, I don't see why we have to go to them to get things done," Raziel persisted. He too had now crossed his arms over his...well, his arms were a bit lankier than Kain's, and so it was more like over his rib cage than his chest. "I mean, after all, the series is named after you, isn't it? The Legacy of Kain? So, that more or less means that you can do whatever you please, rather they like it or not. Right?"  
"Oh, yeah, a likely story," Kain snorted, "You just want me to fight you so you can kill me and absorb my soul. Fat chance, Raz. Besides, it is named after me—what would they call it if I died, huh? The Legacy of Raziel? Please..."  
"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of 'The Journeys of Raziel' or maybe 'Raziel's Revenge'. I mean, it worked for that Wolverine guy and all," Raziel shrugged, "But, yeah, that was my plan, more or less. With there being no other playable characters but you and me."  
"Oh, come on, without me, they'll discontinue the series," Kain laughed. "Who wants to play a game based solely on the antics of a walking corpse that looks like origami?"  
Raziel's eyes flashed. "Hey, you didn't look too great yourself it your first game, Mr. Two Dimensional. I couldn't decided whose graphics looked better: yours in Blood Omen, or Super Mario Brothers for the original Nintendo."  
"Mario is a classic!" Kain snapped. "And I at least didn't look like I'd float away with the first good gust of wind."  
"A Playstation can only read so much information, why do you think they came out with the Playstation 2?" Raziel snapped back. "I also have issues with those bat beckons..."  
"They cleaned them up in the later games to just spots on the ground!" Kain yelled back. "What else do you want from me?! And as I mentioned, you aren't exactly breath taking yourself. The paddles from Pong looked more technologically advanced than you did."  
"That's not my fault, it's the system they put me on!" Raziel retorted, though considered. "You know, I was wrong to compare you to Mario," he said as an after thought, "At least he can jump without transforming into a wolf. If you can call that horrendous blotch of color a wolf."  
"Easy, Raziel, don't dis the animators," Kain growls, "Besides, at least I have a great battle cry. What have you got other than the curse of forever solving block puzzles?"  
"I just happen to have one of the best voices in the video game industry, thank you very much," Raziel snorted. "And Vae Victus?! You call that a good battle cry?? Couldn't those people at Silicon Knights at least have used English?" He growled. "You kill somebody and yell Vae Victus, and that makes it the best battle cry in the world, right??" Raziel prepared himself to leap up and attack Kain. "Yeah, well, Sic Semper Tyranius, you Mario-looking son of a..."  
"That's it!" Kain yelled back, and beat Raziel to the punch by leaping down at him first. When they clashed, it was no gallant fight between rivals, such as what you might expect of the two main characters from the series. Instead, it was a full out brawl with no magic or swords of any kind involved. For this reason, they threw up a lot of dust and it was near impossible to tell what they were doing to each other. Times would pause just long enough for the dust to settle that one might be able to see Kain banging Raziel's head into the ground, or Raziel putting the ankle lock on Kain. But for the most part one would have only been able to hear the sounds of fighting and insults being slung back and forth at each other.  
Kain: "Origami freak!"  
Raziel: "Mario wanna be!"  
Kain: "Blue cockroach!"  
Raziel: "Blood-sucking mosquito!"  
Kain: "Mosquito?! Why you...Take that! Let's see how good a voice you have after I shove my foot down you're throat!"  
Raziel: No jaw, you dingbat! Uhg! That's for my clan! Uh! That's for throwing me in the Abyss! Gah! That's for never getting me a pony! I mean, for betraying me!  
It went on like this for about ten or fifteen minutes, until they both had beaten each other to the point of exhaustion. When the dust settled, they were laying side by side on the floor, panting. For a long time they did nothing else. Kain's emblem was torn and his armor was displaced, not to mention the various cuts and scrapes that were already healing or healed. Raziel's hair was all over the place, and the cloth that covered his missing jaw lay just barely out of arm's reach beside him, exposing his lack of said jaw. Not to mention the various cuts and scrapes that would heal up as soon as he found a soul. At length, Kain managed to roll over and look at Raziel.  
"So," he gasped, "Maybe...we should just...go back to the script, and...Let me meet you...In Soul Reaver 2."  
"Don't you mean...Nosgoth's past?" Raziel corrected.  
"Yeah, whatever," Kain shrugged. "Sound...good to you?"  
Raziel nodded, and Kain dragged himself up. With some effort, he then made it back up to the top of the Chronoplast and through the door.  
Raziel lay on his back for a minute, then got up and put the cloth back on around his face. Stupid Kain, he thought as he limped towards the Chronoplast himself. Just as he reached the threshold, the Elder God's voice spoke to him.  
"Be warned, Raziel—once you cross the threshold..."  
"Oh, shove it in your eyes, Master," Raziel snapped irritably.  
There was a short silence, then a snort. "Fine," the Elder grumbled, "See if I save your hide from total damnation again."  
Raziel sighed and walked through the gateway. Once on the other side, Moebius the Time-Streamer steps forward and addresses him.  
"Raziel...Redeemer and destroyer...Pawn and messiah...Welcome, time-spanned soul...Welcome, to your—"Moebius cut himself short as he got his first good look at Raziel. "What the Pillars of Nosgoth happened to you? World War 3?"  
Raziel narrowed his eyes at the Time Guardian. "Don't ask," he hissed. 


	2. Blood Omen: Kain and Moebius

_Author's Notes: Before I begin, I'd just like to jump on the reviewing the reviews bandwagon and take some time to do just that...  
  
Smoke: Goodness, I didn't realize it was THAT funny! Sorry—Would it make you feel better if I put a warning in the summary? :-P  
  
Marina's Myst: Why, thank you! I try...dramatic bow That does sound rather temping to try, doesn't it? I may do that...  
  
Darster: Thanks. Yes, I think that if Michael Bell showed up on my doorstep, I'd die of a heart attack. He is very gifted in his field—and, judging from the "Defiance" voice session outtakes, quite the goof to boot. As is Tony Jay...Actually, I don't think you could get a better cast of voice actors for the entire series.  
  
Tom T. Thomson: Geez, maybe I should put a warning label on this thing...Sides doing better? :-P And what do you think this is? :-)  
  
Pinkfuzzyone: Glad you enjoyed it. That is the point, after all, and it's always nice to know I'm doing my job.  
  
Without these people ranting and raving like the lunatics I'm sure they are (just kidding!), this fic/parody never would have happened since I never intended to do another. Thank you, and hope the second one fulfills your expectations.  
  
And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I proudly present to you..._  
  
**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib 2  
Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain—Kain and Moebius  
**  
Kain nearly growled as he advanced on Moebius. It was all too clear—William the Just, The Oracle, Vorador's execution—all a part of the Time-Streamer's master plan. And Kain himself? But a pawn to be used, a plaything to be tossed aside when Moebius tired of him and had used him properly. Kain's blood—the blood of his victims—seemed to boil inside his body. The Time Guardian's manipulation of him was as much, if not more so an insult to his intelligence as was spit in the eye an insult to his honor. And what was worse, and thus more aggravating for the young vampire—he'd fallen for it.  
But now it was all coming to a close. Moebius had now been defeated in battle. All that remained was to destroy him, and return his Hourglass to the Pillar of Time. This would be far more pleasant than killing the other Guardians had been...  
"Ironic," Kain mused, "By going back in time and altering the past, you turned William the Just into the Nemesis."  
"Aye—you have seen my plan, vampire!" Moebius declared. Normally, Kain would have found his half mocking, half laughing tone annoying and unsettling, but now that he'd encountered the Time-Streamer a few times, it was more or less just annoying. "As I have seen your destiny. The future says you die!"  
Kain actually stopped what he was doing and let the Soul Reaver fall to his side, staring at Moebius as if his head had just exploded and the pieces had turned into chickens. "Did you just say...what I think you just said?"  
Moebius sighed and shook his head. "Uh...yes, unfortunately, I did. I know, I know, it's stupid. I mean, with you being a vampire and all it's rather obvious..."  
"...That I'm already dead, yes," Kain nodded in agreement. "And yet, you went ahead and said it anyway. Now, normally, I'd be laughing my backside off at the fact that you just made a complete fool of yourself, but this is my game. If you're gonna make a fool of yourself, couldn't you at least wait until Raziel was the playable character?"  
"Hey, woah, only I'm allowed to make references to the future!" Moebius snapped. "It's kind of the prestige of the whole 'Time Guardian' thing, you know? Knowing the future, changing the past, seeing the new future..."  
"Sounds more like a monkey and a banana experiment," Kain chuckled, "If you grab this banana, you'll get shocked, and that's bad, but if you grab this banana, you won't get shocked and you can eat it." He considered. "And by the way, it's my game, which means I can make references to Joan Crawford and J.R.R. Tolkien if I so desire, and you can't do a thing about it."  
"Are you calling me a monkey?!" Moebius exclaimed. "I am NOT a monkey!!"  
"You're human, aren't you?" Kain asked.  
"Uh...well...yes..."  
"And humans are just really big monkeys with no hair, right?"  
"Um...well...I guess so..."  
"Therefore, you are a monkey," Kain stated, and chuckled. He considered summoning a banana to give him, but that might end up being a bit much. This was almost as much fun as killing him was gonna be...  
Moebius considered Kain's words, which seemed to hurt his head. Apparently, without a script, he wasn't exactly the brightest of individuals. Finally, he decided that whatever Kain said was good enough for him. "Monkey or not, I can so do something about you saying things you're not supposed to."  
"Can not," Kain snorted.  
"Can too," Moebius said, smirking.  
"Can not."  
"Can too."  
"Can not."  
"Can too."  
"Okay, how?" Kain rolled his eyes. Maybe killing him was a better option.  
"I can call Silicon Knights," Moebius said righteously with a nod. "And they'll SELL you, and everything that goes with you."  
Kain gasped and stumbled back. "They wouldn't dare!" he exclaimed.  
"Nach-fan-nooly, wekan would foo," came a staticy voice inside Kain's ear. Kain blinked and tried cleaning out that ear.  
"What the crap was that...?" he wondered.  
"Sorry," came the voice again, quite a bit clearer, but still somewhat staticy, "This is Dennis Dyack, a Silicon Knights employee and director of this video game. I have real trouble getting out to you there—No one realized the kind of interference the Pillars would have with our communication system."  
"I have a director...?" Kain blinked, surprised. Someone else was trying to manipulate him now? Moebius must have set a trend...  
"Of course," said the director. "You didn't think you could have made it through all that stuff without direction, did you? Anyway, I was gonna make mention of a fact that Silicon Knights can...sadly...do anything they want with you, and that includes not doing anything with the game at all if we don't get it finished on time. So could you and Moebius please quit the small talk and get on with it?"  
Kain considered. "Well, I could," he admitted, "But I don't like to take orders..."  
"Yes, I know quite well," the director said with a sigh.  
"Then you should know that I'm going to have to kill you for trying to do so," Kain replied.  
Moebius stared at Kain. "Who are you talking to...?"  
"The director," Kain stated, "Can't your hear him?"  
"Um...no," Moebius said, one eyebrow raised. "We have a director?"  
"My sentiments exactly," Kain shook his head. "Now, back to...What was your name?"  
"Dennis Dyack."  
"Yes, Dennis...Dyack?" Kain blinked. "You poor man, school must have been hell...Anyway, I don't have to do anything you order or tell me to do, as not only is it in my character to defy anyone who does, but also in my contract."  
"It is?" the director said, sounding stunned, "Impossible."  
"Not at all," Kain stated simply. He reached into his pants, which happened to provide him access to his inventory. "Excuse me while I whip this out."  
"AAAAHHHH!!!" Moebius screamed, then cowered back and hid his face, as if afraid he'd be blinded. Again, Kain stopped to stare at the Time- Streamer. When did Mel Brooks get here...? he thought to himself, then shrugged and withdrew his contract.  
"Right here," he began to tell Director Dennis Dyack, "In the last paragraph, 8th line it says 'The below mentioned vampire my also at any time refuse to cooperate with any Silicon Knights employee, or anyone associated with Silicon Knights, or anyone trying to order him around, generally.' Can you see this?"  
"Yep," said the director, "Though our feed is a little slow, probably the Pillars in the way of that, too. Go on."  
Kain nodded, and then adjusted the contract so that they could see his signature. "You see? I even signed on it. There's my signature right on top of the line that says "Kain the Vampire, Nobleman of Coorhagen, Destroyer of the Circle of Nine, Savior of Nosgoth, Guardian of Balance...Wait a minute, Guardian of Balance??" Kain's eyes widened. "Since when was I the Guardian of Balance?!"  
Moebius, who had come out from behind his own hands and looked greatly annoyed, snickered. "Since you forgot to read the fine print," he said.  
That was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. Or, in this case, the smart-crack that snapped the sorcerer-killing vampire's last nerve. Dropping the contract, Kain lifted the Soul Reaver up and before Moebius could say, "Vorador's your uncle" he was minus one head. As his body fell, his Hourglass flew from it. Kain caught it, then sheathed the Reaver and picked up his contract. As he dusted it off and put it and the Hourglass back into his inventory, the director's voice spoke into his ear again.  
"Good job, Kain," he said, "Really good job...Just one problem, though."  
Kain groaned. "What now?" he snapped.  
"You didn't say 'And so are you.'"  
"What?!"  
"You were supposed to say 'And so are you,'" the director explained, "In reference to Moebius saying 'The future says you are dead', you're supposed to say 'And so are you'. So, we've got to do it over again."  
Kain groaned. "Again?! Oh...all right...I didn't get a chance to really enjoy that anyway...but what about Moebius? He's kind of...you know...dead."  
"No problem, I think our animators can crank out another one in about an hour," the director said, "They should have had all his info saved...Why don't you take a break until then? We're set up just east of the Pillars. I know you can't have coffee because of the water in it, but someone came in and brought you special blood-flavored cocoa."  
"Blood-flavored cocoa, huh?" Kain considered it, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay, that works." He reached into his inventory again, this time withdrawing a sign that said "Out To Lunch—Back in One Hour". He then jammed the sign into the ground, stuck Moebius' head on top of it for a decorative touch, and marched off to claim his cocoa.


	3. Soul Reaver 2: Raziel and Ariel

_Author's Notes: First off, I'd like everyone who left me reviews, not only here for "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib", but also for my "poem" of sorts, "The Devil Went Down to Nosgoth" (If you haven't read it yet, and like this one, I'd strongly suggest it—it's almost as "bad".). I'm glad so many enjoy my ramblings thus far, and would like to say to everyone suggesting scenes that while I enjoy and appreciate you're input, I really only want to mutilate scenes that I think of first. Though never fear—if this turns out to be popular enough, and I stick with it, I'll eventually start having to use suggestions. So I will eventually greatly appreciate it! I would have done another "reviewing the reviews" thing, but it would have taken up a lot more room than last time, and I don't know about you, but I usually just scroll past that anyway. lol Oh, and anyone who was wondering, Razielia is indeed the production of watching the Defiance voice session outtakes too many times. Anyway, to everyone who DID review, I greatly appreciate and acknowledge you all—you're support has thus inspired installment three of...  
_  
**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib 3  
  
Soul Reaver 2—Raziel and Ariel  
**  
As Raziel approached the Pillars, he found them to be a familiar sight to his fiery eyes. These broken stumps are what he remembered, though Kain had made some...alterations to them in order to form the Sanctuary of the Clans, especially to the fallen Balance Pillar. Even then he had known, somewhere in the back of his mind, that the falling of the Pillars of Nosgoth had been disastrous to the world. But now, after all he had seen and done, he now looked upon the stumps with a new, somewhat enlightened sense of horror.  
He began to come closer to the Pillars, and as he did so he discerned the shape of the spirit of Ariel, the murdered Balance Guardian, trapped in this hellish place for over a century by then. He paused and listened to her lamenting to herself, unaware of his presence.  
"Forever I am bound, hope abandoned, my spirit tethered to this place," she moaned, "What destroyed the Circle could not touch me, for I was newly dead and beyond harm's reach. I alone was spared the decent into madness, and Kain alone was spared the pain of death. When Nupraptor's poison seized Kain even in the safety of the womb, much more than just his destiny was lost. All of Nosgoth lost balance. Consider us now... I, pure but unsubstantial; and Kain, terribly real, but corrupted."  
The turning of pages startles the trapped spirit, and Ariel turns to see Raziel for the first time, looking through a spiraled bound script labeled "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2" on the font cover.  
"That little rant sure makes up for you not having many scenes, doesn't it?" he mused as he read. "I can't believe they actually want me to say all this...And most of it's pretty mild, too, compared to what I really want to say."  
Ariel snorted and crossed her arms, her one good eye glaring down at Raziel. "Oh, really? And what would you really like to say?"  
"That you whine a lot," Raziel said bluntly, closing the script and stashing it away under his tabard. "Really, woman—were you on your period or something when you died? And please don't say you're moody because you were pregnant, because I really don't want to imagine you and Nupraptor getting 'jiggy with it' as it were."  
Ariel gasped, offended. "I most certainty was NOT menstruating at the time of my murder, nor was I pregnant!" she snapped, "But would you be the most delightful of people if you had been imprisoned here for 130 years?!"  
"And that brings me to my next statement," Raziel continued. "If 30 years makes you newly dead, then I'd hate to think what I am. Newly dead? For crying out loud, even the worms would be tired of your carcass by then..."  
"Oh, yes, you're deffiantely a good person to talk to about the freshness of one's death, Mr. Reaver of Souls," she snorted, then suddenly remembered something she'd over heard earlier. "Hey, didn't Kain tear you a new one last time you strayed from the script?"  
Raziel's eyes narrowed. "No, for the millionth time, it was a draw," he growled, "And besides, he started it."  
"Oh, I'm sure," Ariel nodded, but it was obviously a mocking gesture. "The fact that you were comparing him to Mario Mario had nothing to do with that."  
"What, now you're defending him?!" Raziel exclaimed. "Just a minute ago, you were moaning and carrying on about how this is all his fault!"  
"Yes, but I just decided that I don't like you," she stated, "So I'm going to use everything that I can against you, specter."  
"Oh, yeah, and what are you gonna do? Yell at me, you harpy?" he shook his head, then muttered. "Liked me well enough before..."  
"What was that?"  
"Huh? Oh, nothing," he cleared his throat. "You know, I don't actually have time for this, so why don't..."  
"Oh, yes, why don't you?" she hissed. "Go away and leave me to my despairing, it's the only job I have in this dumb series anyway..."  
"No, you have two," Raziel corrected. "You despair, and you give really lousy and misleading directions."  
Ariel glared at him again. "I don't have to take this!" she exclaimed, then floated away, seeming to disappear into the air.  
Raziel's eyes widened considerably. Only he knew that, were he still capable, he'd be smirking. "She don't know me to well, do she?" he snickered, and then changed realms. As he turned, his arms rose into the proper position, and he noticed the familiar distortion of the world around him, along with the sickening green tent that accompanied any trip into the Spectral Realm. After he had fully changed realms, he looked about in search of the Balance Guardian. It had been a while since he'd seen someone besides him in woe, and terrorizing Ariel was fun.  
"Here Ariel, Ariel, Ariel..." he called, "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."  
Ariel's voice called out from behind the Balance Pillar. "No Ariels here, just us lost and, um, hungry wraiths. And chickens. Lost, hungry wraiths with chickens. No Ariels. Fresh out. Sorry. Better luck next time. Go away."  
Raziel followed the voice, finding the spirit cowering behind the Balance Pillar. Ariel gulped when she saw Raziel. In a desperate attempt at peace, she went out on a limb and back to the script. "Why do you hound me, demon?" she said in her usual, mournful voice. "You can see I am captive here. Show me some mercy."  
Raziel just stared at her for a moment. "You can't tell it, but I'm rolling my eyes at you," he stated, "Why do I hound you? Because it's fun. And yes, I can see you are captive here, so what sort of mercy would you like me to show you?" He looked around a bit, then jumped off the Pillars' platform. "Oh, you meant by leaving?" Ariel nodded. Raziel chuckled. "Okay, I'll leave, because unlike you, I can." He took several steps away from the Pillars. "But I can also come back." And he came back to them, stepping back up on the platform. Ariel glared at him. "And I can leave again..." And he jumped off, did a little dance, and then jumped on again. "And I can come back again. Unlike you, because you're forever bound to the Pillars, and CAN'T leave." He really wished he could smirk suddenly. "Want me to bring you something back from the swamp or something?" Suddenly, Ariel gave a loud wail, fell down to the ground and covered her face with her hands. "That's it!" she cried, "Screw it, I quit!" "You can't quit," he mocked, "I've seen you're contract, and you can't quit until you've been trapped here for at least 2,000 years." Ariel wailed again, and Raziel chuckled menacingly as he reached for his tabard. "How about I suck you up and send you into oblivion? Is that what you meant by mercy?"  
"EEEKK!" Ariel shrieked, and then she jumped up and made a mad dash to try and escape Raziel via leaving the pillars. Just as she reached the edge of the platform, however, an invisible guard confronted her, and she was thrown backwards a ways. Ariel cursed whatever deity or cooperate jerk that thought trapping her there was a good idea. Raziel began to advance on her.  
"Oh, come on," he cooed, "It doesn't hurt...I don't think..." He restrained a laugh.  
"ACK!" she yelled again, and then began to run circles around the Pillars, her constraints unwilling to release her even when she was in peril. Raziel happily followed, taking great pleasure out of her girlish screams and taunting her. Suddenly, all joy was taken from the situation as an extremely girly voice broke in, causing both to stop.  
"Razi! Razi! He's our ghoul! If he can't do it, that's not cool!" it chanted. Fearfully, Raziel turned and looked in the voice's direction. Standing between the broken Pillars of Nature and Energy stood a creature that bore a striking resemblance to Raziel. And yet...it didn't. While the eyes, skin, and even tattered wings and symbiotic Soul Reaver remained the same, the creature that stood before Raziel was most definitely NOT he. This being, instead, wore not a tabard around its mouth, but a layer of gold satin. It also wore clothes around its body, including a tattered red gown, a pair of full orange ladies' gloves, and four-inch orange high- heels. The Reaver that it bore was red, orange, and gold, though very distinct from any Fire Reaver Raziel had ever wielded. It's hair was long, and pulled back into a braid down it's back.  
"Oh, I know what you're staring at," the girly voice said, presumably from this new...figure. "Usually, I'm a Winter, but this entire situation just got me so excited! And excitement always turns me into an Autumn."  
Both Raziel and Ariel now stared. "Uh...and who are you?" Ariel asked, now more curious of the new comer than fearful of Raziel eating her.  
"Oh, I'm Razielia, the Drag Reaver," it stated, "I'm from an alternate reality and somehow managed to find myself here...So, I decided that, since I'm here, I might as well aid myself in this reality—you!" Razielia happily gestured to Raziel. Raziel's eyes widened, appalled.  
"Um, uh, no thanks, don't need any help...," he stammed, and began to walk backwards. Ariel smirked. Now it was her turn to enjoy herself.  
Razielia crossed her arms, careful not to strike herself with the Autumn Reaver. "Why?" she snapped, "Have a problem with drag queens or something?? Don't tell me that here I'm a homophobe, because then I'd have to kill you."  
"No, no, not at all," he murmered, "It's just I, uh, usually work alone..."  
"Oh, honey, that makes perfect sense," Razielia said with understanding, "Why else would you be walking around looking like that if you didn't have a partner? I mean, really, even if you don't have much anymore, might as well flaunt what's left!" She giggled. Raziel cringed. "But, don't worry, doll, all that will come later. Right now, you just need to keep you're moral up...And what better way to do that then with your own personal cheerleader?!"  
"My...own...cheerleader?" Raziel stared at his double. "Listen, Miss...Mister...Um, what are you, anyway?"  
Suddenly, Razielia's voice took on a very deep, masculine tone. "Baby, I can be whatever you want me to be."  
That was it. On that note, Raziel turned and began to run away from the Pillars as fast as he could, his broken wings trailing out behind him like runners. Razielia ran after, being quite skilled at it in her tattered gown and heels. Apparently, she'd had lots of practice. "Wait!" she called, now back to her girlish voice, "Wait! We didn't get to discuss you're cheers!!"  
Ariel fell to the ground and started laughing and holding her sides (a left over habit from life). "So long!" she called to Raziel happily, "Don't forget to write!" 


	4. Defiance: Kain and Raziel

**Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!  
** This particular installment of the "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib" series features mega Defiance spoilers. If you haven't  
played it, then you don't wanna read this, else you'll be cursing and  
flaming me. Trust me. And flamers get the Monty Python treatment, and  
nobody wants to do that. :-P  
  
_Author's Notes: Thanks again for the comments! I was afraid that Razielia may have been too much at first, but you guys proved me wrong. I try to hold a policy of three-out-of-five reviews asking for another installment before I bother writing it. Since there are fewer reviews this time as well, I can do a response! Yay!  
  
Tom T. Thomson: Thanks! Hey, you've reviewed every installment...You rock! bows and tells everyone what a great and wonderful person you are, really  
  
Smoke: Yeah, I love Raz and all...But he's such an easy target. giggles I thought about it, but decided to put it up top just for tidiness sake...I hate putting notes on top AND bottom. Drives me nuts when I do it...I hope I do too! Thanks!  
  
Rose Has Her Domain Up: Glad to here the domain is up safe and sound, Rose. sorry, smart ass by nature—ignore previous statement and/or make fun of the one with a food in her pen name Well, yeah, he does, but then again, I doubt I'd be in any better a condition by that point. Bare in mind, Raziel only knows maybe half of what Kain does, so it's much more confusing for him, and the fact that he's got good reason to be paranoid doesn't help.  
  
MortalSora: Thanks! I rather like Razielia myself...And who knows? Maybe she'll get popular enough for a spin-off spoof... doesn't that sound pathetic...?  
  
Abbil: Thank you! It was just too good an opportunity to pass up, too... :-P  
  
And now, what you all came here to read...  
_  
**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib 4  
  
Legacy of Kain: Defiance—Kain and Raziel**  
  
Raziel looked down at the form of Mortanius the Necromancer, once and still powerful member of the failing Circle of Nine, now weakened almost to the point of exhaustion by his possession by the Unspoken, the Hylden Lord himself. Though he had only been in the Death Guardian's presence for a few minutes, Raziel believed he had probably spoken to the Hylden more than he had Mortanius. The site was a pitiful one to behold, and was almost heart wrenching. Almost.  
"I seek the Heart of Darkness," he stated in a firm tone. Janos Audron alone had the answers he sought, and in order to get them he first needed Janos' black heart returned to him. In order to do that, he needed to find the Heart, and Raziel didn't care if it was from the Necromancer or the demon, so long as the directions were true.  
"Ah, so now you think of that. But as I told you, you are too late," Mortanius snickered. This was not the first time Raziel had been mistaken as a Hylden. But then, the more he learned of the old war and the demonic hero destined to battle the vampire champion, he was unsure of that fact himself.  
"I created the champion foretold by my masters, who is destined to be your destroyer," the Necromancer continued, "The Scion of Balance will save Nosgoth--the Pillars will return to vampire Guardianship as intend, and your race will be cast down forever."  
Fire blazed through Raziel's mind as the realization hit him. "Kain!" he exclaimed, "You used the Heart of Darkness to create Kain!"  
"How else?" Mortanius stated in a rather matter-of-fact tone, "I refused at first to believe the ancient myths. I though the vampires were simply a plague upon mankind, a pestilence we had to control. But they were, and we were wrong to overthrow them—Moebius and I. We didn't understand what it was the Pillars were holding back. I have made my atonement. I will continue to make it to the end, which will be soon now. But I know, Kain will set it right—he will restore Balance—"  
Suddenly, a seizure seems to go through Mortanius. For an instant, his eyes change to a sickly green which overflowed the sockets and spilled out into a haunting green flame which seemed to threaten to engulf the rest of him as well. Raziel recognized this well—it was the Hylden Lord fighting to regain control over the Death Guardian's body. The struggle was short, and this time, Mortanius won.  
"And none too soon," he said, exasperated, "My enemy is growing stronger..."  
"Where is the Heart of Darkness now?" Raziel urged hurriedly. This conversation was drawing on too long...Vorador's Mansion was surely infiltrated by now, and Janos' body possibly exposed. "Did you destroy it?"  
The Necromancer laughed at the very idea. "You still do not understand, do you? You cannot make use of it so long as Kain guards it with his life!"  
Raziel stared. "Kain...has it?" he asked in disbelief. Things were beginning to clarify, and suddenly... "It is IN Kain!"  
"Check and mate," Mortanius agreed. It reminded the wraith-creature of a teacher and a bright, but often dense pupil. "This deed will redeem first me and then all of Nosgoth. It must, it—Uuhhgg..."  
Again, the seizure ripped through Mortanius' body, and the green flames sprung forth from his eyes. But this time, it was the Hylden whom triumphed.  
"This one grows weak," the Unspoken stated, his voice that of Mortanius' somehow...altered. "But we will soon have a stronger vessel."  
The being then stood and began to advance towards Raziel. Raziel quickly retreated backwards.  
"The long awaited hour approaches..." the demon was saying, "Our release is at hand..."  
Another seizure, though much weaker than the first two, caused the body to double slightly. When it rose, Mortanius' eyes were his own, and none of the green fire remained.  
"Ah," the Necromancer groaned, "I must...finish it...now."  
And with that, he was gone, vanished into the night, leaving behind only a portal not unlike many of the warp gates Raziel had seen. He considered the portal, and the new information he had just received. In the in, he strode towards the portal, his resolve to find and, at last, destroy Kain strengthened like never before.  
He emerged from the portal to find himself in the main entrance of Avernus Cathedral once more, and there, examining the architecture, was his former master and creater—Kain. Rage burned through Raziel like the white fires of the Abyss.  
"Kain," he began, "Why is this—"  
"Save it, Raz," Kain interrupted, "Just got a message from Amy. Says they don't have the camera here yet, so there's no point in fighting."  
Raziel stared, and if he had a jaw, it would have been dropped. "What do you mean 'they don't have the camera here yet'?! I was just down there talking to Mortanius, and they were getting all of that...And that's just below this room!"  
Kain shrugged, displaying a "Soul Reaver 2" thermal cup in his right...claw. "Don't ask me, I just work here," he muttered before taking a sip from the cup.  
Raziel continued to stare as he sifted possible explanations through his head. Finally, he came to the conclusion that maybe Mortanius had taken the camera with him when he disappeared by accident. Satisfied, he turned back to Kain. "So, what do we do in the mean time?"  
Kain shrugged, looked away from the column he was examining, and turned to Raziel. "No idea. I was going to kill a few priests or something, but they seem distinctly dead already." He gestured to a dead human against the wall. Raziel shrugged.  
"They got in my way," he explained. He glanced over at the vampire as he took another sip from his cup. "Where'd you get that?"  
"What, the cocoa?" Kain inquired, glancing at the thermal. "Oh, I had the staff get me some. They got me some for 'Blood Omen' and I've been addicted to the stuff ever since..."  
"No, I meant the cup, genius," Raziel muttered, "I don't remember them showing me anything like that for merchandise..."  
"Oh, this," Kain glanced at the thermal. There was a line-drawn portrait of Raziel's tabard-covered face just below the "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2" trademark. "Yeah, they gave it to me for beta testing and I told them it sucked."  
"What?!" Raziel exclaimed as his eyes widened in disgust. "They gave you MY thermal cup for beta testing?!"  
"Well, they couldn't very well give it to you, Mr. Esophagus Challenged," Kain smirked, and then offered the cup to Raziel. "Blood- flavored cocoa?"  
Raziel growled and knocked the thermal out of Kain's claws. The cup hit against the wall and broke open, spilling the reddish-brown liquid on to the cathedral floor. Kain looked at the spilt contents for a few minutes, his eye narrowing all the while.  
"You know very well I can't drink that," Raziel snarled, "And even if I could, I sure as hell wouldn't take anything from you!"  
Kain looked at Raziel, his eyes taking on a slightly reddish tint. "I...was...drinking...that...," he growled. He began to reach for the Reaver, but thought better of it. _We need our strength for the big fight_, he thought to himself, _not to mention Amy would kill me_.  
"You bet I would," a voice spoke into his ear. He recognized it as that of Amy Henning, the director of "Defiance" and well as both the "Soul Reaver" games. He often heard from her, usually because he was doing what Kain's do best: defying her. That, or for killing the staff off, which she seemed to take offence to.  
"I know, I know," Kain finally muttered, then removed his claw from the Reaver. "I'll...try to be good..."  
"Is that Amy your talking too?" Raziel asked. "Tell her I want to talk to her! Tell her I expect to be paid extra for this!"  
"Too late," Kain said, looking over at his fallen thermal cup. He decided to get another cup of his famous AB positive/negative mix as soon as he had a chance in his "Blood Omen 2" cup, presuming Janos and Vorador hadn't been dipping into it again. "You just missed her, you premadonna,"  
"I know you didn't just call me that," Raziel said coolly, his eyes narrowed slightly. "Mainly because premadonna is much to big a word for you to wrap you're feeble pixilated brain around..."  
"You want me to hurt you, don't you?" Kain growled. "And do I really look pixilated to you right now? Remember, I'm not the only one who looked crappy, Sir Origami Fold."  
"What is it with you and names tonight, huh?" Raziel shook his head, then took a deep breath. "Okay, okay, maybe I shouldn't have said that...We do have to tolerate each other long enough for the crew to come set things up, so let's just try to be civil, okay?"  
"Why?" Kain snorted. "Can't you just go back through you're little portal and wait there? They have to film you coming out of it anyway..."  
"If you look at it from that point, you could fly back to the citadel just as easily," Raziel pointed out. There was a brief pause as the two considered each other's words, and then both spun about to go look at their original points of entry.  
"No," Raziel sighed as he looked at the alter, which had formerly had the portal Mortanius had created in front of it. "It's gone already...What about you?"  
"No good," Kain grumbled, "It's completely gone. I guess the programming takes away our chance of leaving once we meet, rather we fight or not."  
"Damn programmers!" Raziel yelled out, then walked towards the middle of the isle. Kain joined him there. There were several long moments of silence as they contemplated each other, both with sinister thoughts in their head about the other.  
"So," Kain said in an attempt to break the silence, "They really did a number on the place...Looks a lot better than the last time I was here."  
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure, but I doubt this is the whole Cathedral they're letting us into," Raziel agreed, looking around. "I don't think they could have done an entire dungeon for 'Blood Omen' out of what little I've seen of it..."  
Kain eyed Raziel. "Wait a minute, wouldn't you know rather or not it made a good dungeon or not?" he asked accusingly.  
Raziel looked back a Kain, his eyes that of a child whom had just accidentally confessed to being in the cookie jar...a very strange blue wraith-like child with glowing eyes and no digestive system. "Uh...well," Raziel made a gesture as if to gulp, likely more out of habit than ability, "See, I, um, never finished playing 'Blood Omen'..It was so long, and the graphics were so crappy, and, well, it's hard to play a video game and run an entire vampire clan at the same time..."  
Kain felt a familiar rage begin to burn deep inside of him. "I see," he said, calmy as to not reveal his anger to Raziel, "So, tell me, my dear Raziel...Who was the last Boss you fought before you quit the game?"  
Raziel went silent and looked down. Like a small child, he hid his claws behind his back and started to trace designs on the floor with one foot. Kain glared at him. "Raziel, who was the last Boss you fought?" he asked again,  
Raziel remained silent, and Kain was about to ask him again when he muttered, "Well, see, I never ever really made it to Nupraptor's Keep..."  
Kain snarled and Raziel jerked his head up in time to see Kain draw the Reaver from his back. Out of instinct, Raziel jumped back and summoned the wraith-blade version of the sword to defend himself with.  
"Do you mean to tell me," Kain exclaimed, "that I have been taking all of this bull about what a terrible game 'Blood Omen' is from you, and you haven't even played all of it?! Worse yet, hasn't even made it to NUPRAPTOR?!?!"  
"Well, could you?!" Raziel yelled back, "Really! In comparison today's standards, the puzzles are easy, the bosses are simple, and the graphics are awful!"  
"And you had to get HALF of the information from that statement from some fan site on the Internet!" Kain began to advance on Raziel. "I should have let the Reaver consume you, you useless git...You'd be more entertaining as cannon-fodder for a Monty Python cartoon, and twice as well drawn, especially your wings!"  
Raziel's eyes flared slightly. "Watch it, Kain...you don't want to cross that bridge," he warned coolly.  
"Oh, but I do," Kain disagreed, "I do want to cross it. I want you to know that those wings looked rather puny to me, and that you probably couldn't have even crossed the Abyss with them. I want you to know that those blasted things stuck out on you like a sore thumb that was in bad need of amputation. I want you to know that I threw you into the Abyss, because you came back out looking three times better than when you went in. And you know what else? I enjoyed the ENTIRE process!!"  
Now Raziel's eyes did flare, the named Hylden soul he had taken in giving his blue flames a somewhat greenish tint. The graphics were one thing, the fact he hadn't played 'Blood Omen' another...But the wings and the Abyss crossed the line, especially for Kain. Without even thinking about it, Raziel rose the wraith Reaver up and began to advance on Kain, closer what little distance was left between them. Kain raised the physical Reaver and began to do the same thing, all thoughts of angry directors gone from their minds. There was but a few feet between them to begin with, and that was narrowing quickly. They raised the blades up, and brought them down, each ready to make a strike at the other. Then, suddenly, instead of coming in contact with each other's Reaver, they met in the middle with a third blue and white wraith blade. They blinked, confussed, as a suddenly girly voice spoke from their right.  
"Goodness gracious, boys!" the voice of Razielia, the Drag Reaver cried out. "Is that ANYWAY to act in a Cathedral?!"  
Kain and Raziel looked at Razielia, then at each other.  
"Raz," Kain said, slowly, "Um...what is that?"  
Raziel lowered the wriath blade, and as it disappeared covered his entire head with his tabard. "Shhh," he said as he did this, "If you ignore it, maybe it'll go away..."  
"Oh, honeychild, you should know better," Razielia giggled, then looked at Kain. "The name's Razielia. I'm Raziel's double from an alternate reality, and with far better fashion sense." She gestured to her white and multi-shaded blue attire. She then looked at Kain closely. "Hmm, you look strangely familiar..."  
Kain looked at Raziel, whom now greatly resembled a large blue tortoise and, upon deciding he wouldn't get anything useful from him, looked back to Razielia and asked "And why, persay, are you here?"  
Raziel whimpered. "Don't encourage it..." he maoned.  
"Oh, shush," Razielia said with a chuckle as she not-so-gently elbowed Raziel in the side. He stumbled a few steps sideways. "Such a kidder, this Razzy here. I'm his cheerleader. He and I have been together since about a third of the way through Soul Reaver 2..."  
Raziel poked his head out of his tabard and glared at Razielia, his white eyes flaring as before. "I told you not to call me that!" he snarled, "And please rephrase that last statement, you make me sound gay!"  
Kain looked between them, and snickered. "So you're double in an alternate universe is a transsexual Drag Reaver," he cackled, "Oh, I must relish in this..."  
"Why, you making hotdogs?" Raziel snorted, then glanced at Razielia. "Amy keeps kicking her off of Nosgoth, but she just keeps coming back..."  
"Mister and Misses Blue Cockroach," Kain stated with a smirk.  
"You do want to die," was the only reply Raziel believed worthy of such a comment.  
Razielia stared at them. "Holy Rupual! You can cut the hostility in here with knife!" she exclaimed. The crossed her arms gracefully as she considered the two. Sudden, she clapped her claws together and gave an excited screech. "I know who you are now! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I could have possibly forgotten..."  
"You do?" Kain turned and eyed her suspiciously. "How so you know me?"  
Razielia clapped and jumped like a giddy schoolgirl. "Koein!" she screeched, then ran up and gave Kain a hug.  
Kain's eyes widened and he pushed Razielia off him as if she were something repulsive and messy. "Get off of me!" he yelled, giving one final push to free himself, then jumping away and drawing the Reaver. So rattled was he by the Drag Reaver's sudden show of affection that he didn't even notice Raziel had collapsed in a fit of laughter. The vampire growled at her, but Razielia just stared at him as though she were a heartsick child.  
"But...Koein..." she mumbled.  
"Stop calling me that!" Kain yelled. Then, after glancing around nervously, added in a hushed, more urgent tone, "How do you know that name?"  
"Why, you're the one who made us!" she exclaimed, "You're Koein! You're fashion since has practically made you deified! All of the clans tell tells of you...Few know the truth. You know, that you were a homophobe once, but that you're spite for them drove you to create me and my sisters..."  
"Kain's your master in you're world too?" Raziel managed to control his laughing long enough to look up at her. "So...he's a flaming homosexual?"  
"I am not!" Kain yelled defiantly (a tone he has easily mastered over the years).  
"Oh, but you are," Razielia continued, "Only you're name's Koein, not Kain..."  
"I told you to stop calling me that!" he yelled again, he pointed the Reaver's tip towards her. "I'm warning you..."  
"Wait a minute, you recognize that name?" Razile looked up at him. "Now, why would you recognize the name of your gay double in a gay reality?"  
Kain was silent and thoughtful, and allowed the Reaver's tip to droop. At length, he cleared his throat and began to speak. The tone was obviously supposed to be one of authority, but sounded more like a desperate plea.  
"I was young," he began, "and I was mortal. I wanted to do some...experimenting with my sexuality. But, of course, my noble status didn't allow me to do so without tarnishing my family record, so..."  
Raziel's eyes widen, but his tone was an amused one. "Holy crap, you're a drag queen," he stated, the collapsed into another fit of laughter.  
Kain felt his blood begin to boil. "I am NOT!" he yelled, "I only did it once, and that DOESN'T make me a drag queen, you son of a..."  
"Boy, boys!" Razielia exclaimed, jumping between them again before Kain did something she would have thought to be rash. Raziel would have thought it normal, for Kain. "That is no way to act! Listen, when I get mad, I find that singing a song helps to calm me down. How about we all sing a nice song together, huh?"  
"Yes, let's sing a song," Raziel agreed, still chuckling. "How about YMCA...I bet Kain knows the words to that one very well."  
If looks could kill, Raziel would have faded into the Spectral Realm. Instead, Razielia nodded. "Okay, YMCA it is. Now, on three. One...two..."  
"Wait!" Kain spin on her. "If we're gonna be singing anything, it had better be something a lot more manly than the Village People!"  
"Oh yeah?" Raziel said, getting up. "Like what?"  
"Well...maybe more like...The Rolling Stones?"  
  
Amy Henning walked into Avernus Cathedral. Typically, it was considered bad taste for a director to approach the characters in a game, but Raziel and Kain were a bit different story.  
"Sorry, guys," she started, "Took us forever to get things back into place. I've got a techie working on getting the portal and the bat beacon reactivated, so we should be able..."  
Suddenly, she stopped and stared. Before her, in front of the alter that held the Dark Scripture, where she expected to see Kain and Raziel trying for all they were worth not to do bodily damage to each other, she instead found that damned Raziel-wanna-be drag queen dancing and singing, while waving her own version of the Reaver high above her head. Behind her, Kain and Raziel mimicked her antics, including waving their own Reavers about. Amy took a moment to let the scene sink in, and that when she heard what they were singing.  
  
_"When I'm ridin' round the world   
And I'm a doin' this and I'm signing that   
And I'm tryin' to make some girl   
Who tells me baby better come back later next week   
'Cause you see I'm on a losing streak   
I can't get no, oh no no no   
Hey hey hey, that's what I say  
  
I can't get no,   
I can't get no   
I can't get no satisfaction  
No satisfaction,   
No satisfaction,   
No satisfaction."  
_  
Amy stared at them for a several moments longer, unable to believe that these two heros that were supposed to fight each other in a battle on which the past two games she had directed in this series depended upon were now dancing a singing like larks with that...thing. She reached into her pocket and began to radio her staff.  
"Some one get in here and get this damn thing out of here!" she yelled into the radio, pointing to Razielia. "And when you come, bring Moebius and about nine hours worth of Barney the dinosaur tapes...If that doesn't get them at each other's throats again, nothing will..." 


	5. Soul Reaver: Raziel and Rahab

_Author's Notes: For starters, I'd first like to make an apology for the grammar and spelling problems that you may have seen/will see with the last installment of "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib", as well as problems with this installment and "Reunion at the Pillars". When I uploaded "WVGCAATAL 4" (long abbreviation, huh?) as well as "Reunion", I had only a very small window to get them up in, a window that did not provide me enough time to proof-read, which I typically try to do. Life has also been so hectic that I am not always on the same computer, and so I am using the Quick Edit to write this installment as this will be my last chance to do anymore writing before next month, as I will be away. I hope that this installment will be better off than to last one proof wise...But, you know, I make no promises just to save my own skin. Sorry! You can beat me a bit for that, I sure wouldn't say I didn't deserve it...Now, the reviews!_

_Tom T. Thompson: Crap...You reviewed first this time even. You know, you really bloody ROCK!!! :-)_

_Hanzao: Yes, I have a very sick and demented sense of humor which I take great pride in. Thank you for noticing! bows Well, Kain and Raziel being the smart-asses they are, I'm sure they'd get a kick out of it....Or talk Edios into suing me, one of the two..._

_Raid-Scion-Of-Randomness: Wait a minute...There are sane people on FFN? Really? Where...? :-P Glad you enjoyed it!_

_Smoke: Yeah, I decided that I like Razielia enough to bring her back a few times...She's fun to write. :-P Beware future invasions! I thought about doing that with Mortanius, but decided that having Raziel step out of the portal to find Kain with a cup of blood-flavored cocoa would be a better way to start the actual parody, and I rather like doing my serious lead-ins. I noticed those problems, and aside from the apology above, I'm also dyslexic, so sometimes writing (or saying) the correct word can be a real pain...As for Amy, well, I don't think she would mind personally, but I don't know her. But, after I stop working on these little scenes, I intend to do a "Acknowledgements/Apologies" section in which I will be sure to mention Amy, sing her praises and beg not to be sued._

_MortalSora: You're so kind, thanks. chuckles Yes, it was a marvelous scene (s?) in the game...I'm glad you enjoyed it. Funny stuff rules! Laughter, its food for the soul..._

_Okay, and now, hopefully a good addition to the on going series..._

Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib 5

Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver--Raziel and Rahab

Through perils and frustrations untold, the still young, but aging Raziel, Reaver of Souls and Angel of Death to the Elder God, now looked around at this new chamber. Here in the Spectral Realm, the fact that water was as thin as air sometimes made it difficult to tell where water ended and dry land began. If the rest of the abbey had been any indication, however, he was willing to guess that he was still underwater. No matter...There was only one conduit nearby that he could sense anyway, and it seemed some ways above him. As did another thing...Rahab, his third youngest brother was here. Even here, in the realm of the dead, Raziel could feel him with every fiber of his being somewhere in this chamber, perhaps waiting on Raziel to simply manifest himself...

It was a sickening feeling.

As Raziel examined the stair-step like manner that the columns of the room stood, he recalled not for the first time his vampiric execution. It was Kain who gave the order. He could still hear those horrible words echoing in his ears--"Cast him in." It was Turel and Dumah who had followed that order, the two brothers most capable of rendering him immobile even had Raziel been in top condition, and had not had the bones ripped from his wings a few short moments before. He noticed that it was also their presence which seemed weakest in this new Nosgoth...Figures.

But what had been Rahab's crime? Or Zephon and Melchiah's for that matter? At first, he wasn't sure, only that he extended his hatred to them and had little issue with destroying them at the Elder God's request (or was it a command?). But now, during the frustrating hours of working his way through Rahab's labyrinth of water, he remembered that his execution had an audience. One which could have done something...and didn't. One which could have open their minds to him as he was dragged, hurt, confused, and betrayed through the dirt to his doom, and did not. An audience that could, if they had something of backbone, have made a difference in his demise, and did nothing. That was why he hated them, he decided as he began to jump upward from column to column. That was why he hunted them down now, one by one--not by the Elder God's will, but by his own vengeance. And now that he knew of their mortal origins...Well, he was sure that their Sarafan selves would be thanking him for the release.

At last the conduit came into site. It was placed on top of the highest column, just a few feet above the water's surface. Here, Rahab's presence was stronger than ever. Raziel raised his arms and began to will himself into the Physical Realm. Time to pay the piper, Rahab, Raziel thought darkly as the green tint of the Spectral Realm faded into their natural colors and the stair-step columns rose up to the same height as the one he stood upon.

"Raziel."

Now, the presence of his former brother was very acute, and Raziel was not at all surprised to see Rahab before him. He was also not too surprised by Rahab's new form with its strange, fish-like shape, especially after encountering so many of the Rahabim. Rahab now looked more amphibian than vampire...or perhaps a bit of both.

"Rahab," Raziel replied, sounding almost bored. He then added, upon remembering Rahab's sensitivity to light, "You have adapted well to your environment for one so maladjusted..."

"Do not mock me, Raziel," Rahab said bitterly, "You, of all of us, should respect the power of a limitation overcome." There was more, but just as Rahab opened his mouth to say it, Raziel snorted.

"So, tell me, do you refer to the fact that I used to have wings, or that I'm dead?" Raziel snapped.

Rahab blinked and swished his tail. This was...unexpected, to say the least. "I...um...," he stumbled over his words, trying to find a reply, "er...I don't know?"

Raziel shook his head. "Okay, I'll make it simple: you said that I should respect being able to overcome a limitation. I want to know what you meant by that."

Rahab floated backwards a bit, perplexed. "That's not what I said," he replied, sounding confused, "I said, 'You, of all of us, should be able to respect...'"

"I know what you said!" Raziel shouted, making Rahab flinch and cower. He'd forgotten how dense Rahab was. It reminded him that as fledglings, he was always thankful that at least Rahab was smarter than Dumah. The very thought of Dumah's incompetence made Raziel shiver slightly. "I know what you said," Raziel repeated, a bit softer as to coax Rahab close again. "I just wanted to know what you mean..."

Rahab stared for a moment. "Um...I don't know?" he said questioningly. He noticed Raziel's eyes narrow and he cowered behind one of the columns of the room. "They didn't say why in the script!" he added hastily.

"The script?" Raziel blinked then shook his head. "Ah. I see. No wonder you sound so intelligent...They made you memorize the script." Rahab nodded. "Tell me then, dear brother, did it ever occur to you that maybe I wouldn't follow it?" Rahab shook his head. "And why not?"

"The lady said you would..." Rahab explained, sounding rather childish and scared. "Please don't hurt me, Bo-bo..."

"Don't call me that," Raziel snarled. "Melchiah was the only one who could call me Bo-bo, and I ground him into Melchiah Hamburger just a few hours ago. Just imagine what I'd do to you." Rahab whimpered behind his column.

"Now, now, Raziel," a familiar voice spoke into Raziel's ear, startling him so that he nearly fell off his own column and into the water below. "Play nice."

Raziel grumbled and crossed his arms. He knew that voice. It haunted him wherever he went, and was really starting to get on his nerves, come to think of it... "You were the one who sent me out here, Master!" he growled.

"True," the Elder God agreed, "But I sent you out to destroy Rahab, not to taunt him."

"How about I taunt him to death?" Raziel asked hopefully.

"No, no," the Elder God sighed, "That would take much too long...Why don't you just burn him instead?"

"Who are you talking to?" Rahab popped his head around just long enough to look at Raziel.

"Oh, just the Elder God," Raziel explained off-hand.

"Just?!" the Elder God's voice bellowed. Despite it nearly blowing out his eardrum, Raziel ignored him.

"He claims to be the reason I'm alive still," Raziel explained, "Or dead...Or whatever you'd call me. He's the guy I serve these days, though I've occasionally wondered if he's also what they used to serve as sushi at the Japanese steakhouse in Coorhagen..."

"Claims?! Sushi?! Where are you getting off at?!" the Elder God roared again. Again, he was ignored as best as possible.

Rahab thought for several moments, causing Raziel's curiosity to stir. "What?" the blue Reaver of Souls inquired.

"Dead," Rahab replied, "You're definitely dead. Nothing alive smells like you do..."

Raziel's eyes narrowed again, and Rahab squeaked and hid again. As Raziel jumped from column to column, dragging the wraith-blade behind him, he thought it typical that Rahab had yet to realize that water still hurt Raziel. "Yeah, well, you didn't exactly smell like roses yourself before you took swimming lessons," Raziel snapped as he jumped. "You still smell kind of funky, come to think of it..."

Raziel stopped to see Rahab cowering low into the water behind his chosen column, eyes shut and whimpering softly. There was just enough of his head left above water to get one good swing with the wraith blade in--a swing Raziel gladly took. Upon making contact, however, Rahab just yelped and ran (well, swam) out toward another column as well as muttering "I want my script back." Other than having the scales scared off of him, though, he seemed unharmed. Raziel cursed under his breath and muttered something about pain-in-the-ass boss battles.

"Hey, genius," the Elder God interrupted. "I already gave you the answer, Blue Boy Leader."

Raziel wanted to grit his teeth. "No more Dreamcatcher for you," was all he would say. He presumed that the Elder God was referring to the comment about burning Rahab. But how? He hadn't been able to find the stupid Fire or Sunlight Glyph's yet, and those stained-glass windows blocked out the actual sun...

"Duh," he muttered, then gently popped himself in the head. He raised the Reaver as though it were a large rifle, aimed it at the nearest glass and then.... Crash! It shattered thanks to a telekinetic blast.

"Maybe you have a few brain cells after all," the Elder God muttered.

"Shut up," Raziel snorted, then turned upon hearing water move. Rahab was looking at the shattered glass in his pool.

"Hey!" he yelled, "You have any idea how much each of those costs?!"

"Uh...do I look like I care?" Raziel replied, then aimed at another. It soon broke, sending broken glass down on Rahab's head.

"Watch it!" Rahab exclaimed, then ducked under the water and swam out of the way. He popped up much nearer to Raziel than the specter would have given him credit for earlier. "Dumah gave me that for my birthday last century! I put it there right beside the one Kain gave me..."

"Did you now?" Raziel said smugly, then took aim at the next window. He paused just long enough to note that the glass had an image of two humans worshiping a white-haired vampire (three guesses who THAT was), snort at it, and then fire a telekinetic blast. Rahab screamed in rage...or perhaps at the amount it would cost to fix those later, who knows?

"That's it!" Rahab yelled and began swimming towards Raziel. "You're dead meat!"

"I could have told you that," Raziel said sarcastically, "Since you were so kind as to--HEY!" He suddenly had to jump to the next column, as Rahab had suddenly lunged at him, jaws open. Had he not moved, he'd probably be missing a leg now. "What is this all about?!"

"I...liked...those...windows!!" Rahab roared, and then lunged again. Raziel then had to spend the next ten minutes trying to run and aim at the same time. It was a rather humorous scene to behold, and down in the Underworld, the Elder God had called in all of his wraith friends to watch. Finally, after shattering the last window, the chamber was filled with sunlight and Rahab, upon the realization he was on fire, started screaming instead of diving underwater...Because, well, we've already established he wasn't the brightest Lieutenant in Kain's army.

"AAAHHHH!!!" he screamed, thrashing a bit as he did so, "I'm burning! BURNING! Oh, what a world, what a world, oooohhh...." He then gagged, choked, and let lose a horrible blood-curtailing scream that eventually died out into a few soft moans, and then silence as his still burning corpse floated above water. The entire ordeal actually ended in a rather well rounded death scene the old trout might have been proud of, and that his older brothers would have surely never let him live down…had he survived it and he had anymore older brothers, that is.

Raziel took this time to burst into song. "I feel like Rahab tonight! Like Rahab tonight!" he sang as he pulled down his tabard and consumed Rahab's soul. He felt the now familiar sensation of being lifted, and felt both pain and a sense of vertigo rip through him. He soon dropped, however, and as he crouched down and braced himself with one claw, the Elder God spoke to him.

"Infused with your brother Rahab's soul, you can now swim like a blooming dolphin," he said, sounding rather bored, "Congratulations, I'm sure that's been one of your life-long goals. Now go kill Dumah before the director realizes what a mess you made of things and makes you do the whole thing over again."

Raziel groaned. "Don't make me go face him!" he whined, "He's such an idiot...He makes Rahab look worthy of a Nobel Prize..."

"Go kill Dumah, or I'll shove a tentacle up your butt," the Elder God snorted.

Raziel cringed at the thought, then sighed and jumped into the water, which instead of burning, now felt cool and refreashing._ Oh well,_ he thought_, There could be worse fates than killing off my idiot brothers for a living...what those fates are, I have no idea, but surely there's something worse than this, because I can't possibly be that unlucky._ Then he thought, after considering his luck as of late_, I take that back. This IS the worst it gets._


	6. Blood Omen 2: Kain and Umah

_Author's Notes: Wow, you guys rock! I can't believe this is the sixth one...and I have ideas for at least three more after this. You guys really rule! And now, the reviews_.

_Marina's Myst: I'm glad you still enjoy it! I will one day, hopefully. It's my intentions that, if WVGCAATAL is popular enough to do a Mega WVGCAATAL and feature Raziel verus all the Sarafan Inquisitors, including himself. So you wanna see Raz vs Raz, you gotta keep supporting this one. I'm gonna aim for at least 15 chapters, maybe 16, and then if it's still popular, I'll do your scene. Okay? :-)_

_Smoke: Yeah...yeah...Rahab's plight is to never learn he's a Sarafan until it gets filmed correctly. And Raziel's is to be threatened with a tentacle up his butt whenever he begs not to kill his most moronic brother. Poor boys...Kain must have been a lousy father._

_Tom T Thomson: Secretly, I think that they're all morons working for Edios on minimum wage. What they never tell you is that before he was Time Guardian, Moebius was a hobo in NYC, and before she was the fallen Balance Guardian, Ariel was a stripper in LA. Not to mention Janos Audron used to work on Coney Island—three guesses what as. Man, you have got to be my most devote reviewer...Thanks!!!_

_MortalSora: Geez, the Elder God threatening Raziel with his tentacles where the sun doesn't shine is surprisingly popular...I'm glad you enjoy it, and yes, Dumah is an idiot. You don't even have to take him off the script to figure that out..._

_Komikitty: Review 1: Glad you enjoyed it! Review 2: Yeah, poor Raz. Koein, like Razielia, was stolen from the "Defiance" outtakes, when Tony Jay accidentally mispronounces "Kain" as "Koein", and Micheal Bell (in his Raziel voice) replies, "Yes, I knew him when he was Koein—he calls himself Kain now." It's pronounced "CO-in". Review 3: Don't die laughing! I might get stuck with the bill... ;-)_

_OmegaXSabre: Hey, I'm doin' my best! I just got home from a week-long trip to KY, and so am working feverishly to get this new chap up. Btw, I read your story and tried to review, but is being stupid and won't let me. It's...well, random is one way to put it. :-P And go ahead and use me if you want—I bet I make pretty good cannon fader. And I KNOW I'm crazy enough to fit in with everyone else...I mean, how often does a Jupitarian waging war against Front Lawn Ninjas get to participate in such things?_

_And now for something completely different. I mean, the next addition to..._

**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib 6**

**Legacy of Kain: Blood Omen 2—Kain and Umah**

Betrayal. In life, as well as unlife, his path had been riddled with it. His entire existence seemed an unwavering path of one treachery after another. Everyone, eventually, betrayed his trust. So, why not her?

Kain now saw the mistake he'd made. He knew it the instant Umah had taken the Nexus Stone from him. Emotion...He, of all people, had allowed himself to be blinded by emotion. He mentally kicked himself for thinking she would be any different from any other he had ever encountered. No matter—it was a situation soon to be remedied.

The vampire rounded a corner to find none other than the treacherous wretch herself—Umah, wearing his Nexus Stone—fighting a horde of Sarafan knights. Only one remained, and their bodies littered the ground as proof to Umah's wrath, but she was badly injured, and the knight's wounds were miniscule. In her condition, he would easily defeat her. Kain watched for a moment, debating, and then slipped behind the Sarafan and killed him. After the knight had fallen, he looked up into Umah's pain-filled eyes.

"We meet again, Umah," he stated, almost mockingly.

"Kain..." she breathed, sounding weak and winded, as well as grateful.

"Yes," he agreed, somewhat softer, "Kain." He watched her silently for a moment. "I thought you were to bring the Sarafan Lord to his knees." It was an attempt to mock her. He wasn't surprised at how pathetic the attempt sounded to his ears.

"I thought..." She began, and then collapsed from weakness. Kain watched, and then knelt down beside her.

"I know," he said as he did so, sounding almost kind.

"It seems...I was wrong," she breathed, looking down. Her pride was able to rival Kain's own, and so admitting she made a mistake must have been difficult. "I could not carry the fight...alone..."

"You were brave for trying," Kain told her, not aware he was stroking her hair. He noticed, and promptly stopped before she did.

Umah looked up at Kain weakly. "Kain," she whispered, "I'm dying..."

"Yes, you are," Kain agreed. He felt a strange...lofty feeling threaten to overtake him. He pushed it away.

"I need your blood," Umah pleaded, "Please...You can save me..."

"I know," Kain replied, reaching forward and reclaiming the Nexus Stone. Umah didn't seem to notice its absence. "Tell me, child—do you see me ruling Nosgoth?"

Umah nodded. "Yes, yes...I see it now," she readily agreed.

"And do you believe Nosgoth rightfully belongs to me?" Kain inquired. The strange feeling returned to him as he said this, stronger this time.

"I do," Umah said, sounding desperate, "I believe it—Kain, please!"

"And do you believe I am the hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us?" Kain continued.

Umah blinked, and glanced around. "Um...yes, Kain, you are our only hope of deliverance," she agreed, though she seemed somewhat confused.

"And I am far more attractive than Vorador?" Kain asked. Not that it was really worth asking. He was way hotter than Vorador.

"Um...yes?" Umah looked around, confused, and then said, desperately. "Kain, please, I need your blood!"

"In a minute," Kain waved a hand at her. He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing, or why, but...it seemed like a good idea, whatever it was. "I'm not done asking you questions. And I'm much more interesting than Raziel, too, right?"

"What's a Raziel?" Umah now was becoming somewhat concerned.

"And who do you think would win in a grudge match—Paul Simon, or Art Garfunkel?"

"What?" Umah started at him like he was an idiot. "Kain, are you feeling okay?"

"Oh yeah!" Kain made a rather silly, lopsided grin, which looked quite alien on his cold face. "Yeah, yeah, never better...What about Paul McCartney as a referee? That would be great, wouldn't you think?! He wrote that song, you know..." He laughed.

"What song?" Umah now looked him over to the best of her ability.

"'Hope of Deliverance', of course," Kain rolled his eyes, as if anyone should know that, giving Umah a very good look at the whites.

"Kain, why are your eyes bloodshot?" she asked.

"My eyes aren't bloodshot," Kain protested.

"Yes they are," Umah protested, "They're as red as...well, as blood! Uhg, blood...I still need some, you know..."

"Well, I did just kill that Sarafan there," Kain gestured. "Have at it. Enjoy. Bon Ap a Tet. And all that jazz. In fact, I could really go for some blood myself..." He considered. "And my eyes are not bloodshot."

"In case you haven't noticed, I can barely move," Umah sighed, then looked at Kain. The bloodshot eyes, the silly demeanor, the sudden hunger...It could only be explained by one thing. "Kain, are you high?"

"What?! High?! Umah, can't you see there's a body of water right behind you?" Kain stared at Umah like she'd just laid an egg and hatched a monkey out of it. "If I were high, would I be this close to water?"

Umah blinked, now thoroughly confused. She thought about his previous statement for a few moments, but discovered her attempts to be futile. "Okay...um...what does our closeness to water have to do with you being high?"

"Well, isn't water usually in low places?" Kain asked the question as though the answer should be apparent.

"Oh, no, no!" Umah tried to laugh lightly, and coughed up some blood instead. She definitely needed blood, and soon. "I meant the other kind of high...You know, like, um...drugs."

"Hey, wait...Are you implying that I smoke dope? Wacky weed? Mary Jane?" Kain said.

"Yes," Umah nodded, glad she now had her point across.

"...4-20, pot, MJ..."

"YES, KAIN!" Umah yelled. Kain jumped, lost his balance as he knelt, and fell on his bum.

"Well, you don't have to yell," he mumbled, "And no, I haven't done that since my wild college days in Stahlberg...But we aren't gonna talk about that." Even in his current state, Kain shuddered. Then he glanced around. "Man, have I got the munchies," he muttered, and then, in a flash, he had grabbed up the Sarafan he had just killed. Umah could only watch in horror as he completely drained it of blood right before her eyes. Once he was done, Kain wiped his mouth and tosses the body aside.

"Oh yeah," he said, with another foolish grin, "That hit the spot..." He then saw the horrified look on Umah's face and blinked. "What?"

"I...really...needed...that..." she mumbled.

"Oh," Kain glanced at the dead bodies, then back at Umah, "Sucks to be you," he stated with a shrug.

"Sucks to be me?!" Umah yelled, "Oooohhh....Just get down here, and I'll show you what sucks!"

"That can be misinterpreted in so many ways," came a male voice in Umah's ear, "Especially considering your relationship with Kain..."

Umah's eyes widened. "_Erm...where's Vorador?_" she thought, thinking it was a Whisper from another vampire.

"High as a kite," the voice replied, "Along with every other major vampire character in this game still living except yourself."

Meanwhile, Kain had begun to sing quietly. "_I will always be hoping, hoping...You will always be holding, holding...My heart in your hand. I will understand._" Umah did her best to ignore him.

"_If that's so, then who are you?_" Umah thought.

"My name's Glen A. Schofeild," said the voice, "I'm the director. Trust me, Kain can tell you all about what those are, so don't ask. And you don't have to think—I actually do better if you speak your replies."

Umah listened to the director and glanced at Kain. He was now dancing a bit, and his speech was becoming ever so slightly slurred.

"_I will undersstand, ssomeday, one day...You will undersstand always...From now until then,"_ he sang while he did the Macarena.

"I have a sneaking suspicion that Kain won't be giving anyone a straight answer for a while," Umah said aloud as she tried to decide if Kain's antics were funny, or just down right sad.

"I agree," the director said with a sigh, "It seems that the supply of blood-flavored cocoa that was sent to the Cabal for between shots was spiked by the Sarafan Lord at some point, and so almost every vampire left in Nosgoth is now completely off his or her rocker..."

"What?!" Umah yelled, causing her to choke and cough. She doubled over slightly as she did so—unfortunately, she was still dying, which she thought was entirely unfair, but what was she gonna do about it? "How did he get a hold of our cocoa?!"

"Vorador," the director explained, "He makes all of the Cabal's cocoa, and yesterday he got a packet in the mail that was supposedly a new special ingredient that was sent to him free from Meridian Chocolate Lovers Society. Unfortunately, he didn't notice that the Sarafan Lord is their President..."

"Typical Vorador," Umah sighed.

"_...We live in hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us,_" Kain continued to sing and dance, but then suddenly stopped and looked at Umah. "Hey, wait—who are you talking to?"

"Again with the questions?!" Umah shook her head, "It's just some guy that says he's the director..."

"Oh! Is it Dennis?" Kain asked, "Or is it Amy? Or maybe it's that other guy...I'm pretty sure I scared off Dennis..."

"He says his name is Glen, now go back to dancing," Umah snapped, then, addressing the director, said, "How do we fix them all?"

"Wait for them to come down, I guess," the director replied, "So, I'm going to try and send someone out there to you with blood—It'd be a real pain if you died too soon. Speaking of the cocoa, why aren't you in the same boat with everyone else?"

"Oh, I'm lactose intolerant," Umah explained, "I drink blood-flavored chocolate soy milk."

"Yuck," Kain made a disgusted face, "That just sounds nasty..."

"I didn't ask you," Umah grumbled, and then pointed down the path he had come from originally. "Look, Kain! Something shiny!"

"Really?!" Kain spun around and looked. "Where?!"

"That should keep him entertained," Umah mumbled, "Doesn't Meridian have AA Meetings or something?? This is really annoying..."

"Sadly, even if it did, they wouldn't be able to do anything for him," the director said, "I've sent a dispatcher out to give you a hand. He'll be there shortly—try to hold on until then."

"But what do I do in the mean time?" Umah asked, but it was too late—the director had already severed the communication with her. Figures. She sighed and then, almost fearfully, glanced over to see what Kain was doing. She found that he was now humming "The Hamster Dance" as loudly as he could while doing the Funky Chicken. Secretly, she hoped someone was recording this—it'd make for marvelous black mail material later.

"Um, Kain...I just got done talking to the director, and he says that the Sarafan Lord spiked your cocoa," she said. She didn't really expect him to believe or even comprehend that statement at the moment, but she really had nothing better to do or say.

Kain stopped and gave Umah a large, goofy grin, which still looked both awkward and out of place on his face. "That's nice," he said, true to form. "Hey, Umah—You think I look better in white, or in yellow?"

Umah groaned. "Kain, please, not this again..."

"Just answer the question! White or yellow?"

She sighed. "White."

"Damn," Kain snapped his claws in disgust, "Okay, how about this—if Janos and...um...John Melloncamp got in a fight, who would win?"

"Neither," Umah said, "They'd see eye-to-eye and do a duet together."

Kain laughed at that. "Okay, okay, what about...Martha Stewart?"

"Kain, you realize that by all rights, we shouldn't even know who these people are..."

"Answer it!"

Again, Umah sighed. "Janos would bitch slap her into plaid," was her reply.

"Okay, okay, and if I asked you to do something for me that involved disobeying Vorador, but still destroying the Sarafan Lord, would you?"

Umah blinked. "Um...I...guess...that would be alright," she said. She could feel her stomach cramping, feel her strength waning..._Just hold on a little longer, _she told herself, _just a little bit longer..._

"Good," Kain said with a nod, now baring a small resemblance to his usual self. "Because I wouldn't mind knowing that you wouldn't mind going along with my plan."

"Uh-oh," Umah frowned, "That sounded far too rhythmic..."

She was right. As soon as he had said it, Kain then began to sing again. "_When it will right, I don't know_," he sang, now rather off-key as well, and began to move towards Umah. "_What it will be like, I don't know..._"

Umah's eyes widened as he came closer and closer to her. "Kain...What are you doing...?"

But he ignored her as he began to Rumba with himself and made his way towards her. "_We live in hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us,_" he sang, still off key. He then suddenly spun and picked up Umah against her will. She gave a small yelp. "Come on, everybody now!" he exclaimed and began to drag her along with him as he danced.

"No! Kain!" Umah yelled, but Kain seemed oblivious as he dragged her along with him, since she was too weak to stand on her own.

"_Hope of deliverance! Hope of deliverance!_" Kain continued to sing, seeming quite happy with the situation. He wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but it seemed like a lot of fun. Whatever it was.

"Kain!" Umah tried to struggle, but she was no match for the older vampire, now more than ever. She was beginning to doubt that waiting for the promised blood would be worth it. "Remember when I asked you for your blood? I changed my mind. All I want now is for you to leave me alone so I can die in peace..."

Kain started to spin and dip Umah, much to her discontent, and made his way as gracefully as a drunken dog toward the water behind them as he sang. At length, he dipped her over the ledge of the pathway and sang/yelled...

"_I WILL UNDERSTAND!!!_" he proclaimed to the world, now severely out of tune. And while Kain seemed to be having the time of his life, Umah was about to blow her top as she stared down at the water below her.

"Kain, don't you dare drop me..." she said shakily, staring down at the liquid below her.

"I'm sorry, what?" Kain said, letting go of his grip on Umah as he looked down at her.

"KAIN!!" she screamed as she fell. She made a loud splash and steam came up from her skin as she burned. "NOOO!!!!" She thrashed and fought, but thanks to her weakened condition, soon stopped and laid still as the water dissolved the rest of her body.

Kain watched her, wide-eyed for a long period of time. "Um...oops," he mumbled. After she stopped thrashing, he thought perhaps she could listen better without all the water flying everywhere, and so yelled down "Sorry! My bad!" He considered a moment, and then added. "We'll just skip telling Vorador about this part, okay?!" When she didn't reply, he shrugged and figured she was taking a nap (though a body of water did seem like a strange place to sleep). He then spun around and pointed down the path.

"Quickly, Robin!" he exclaimed, "To the Kain Cave! Dunna nunna nunna nunna KAIN MAN!!!" And with that, took off running down the path. For a small moment he felt bad for the Batman reference, but quickly pushed it away. It was _his_ game about _his_ legacy after all, so he could do whatever he liked—including copyright infringement.


	7. Soul Reaver 2: Raziel and Janos Audron

_Author's Notes: Okay, okay...That wasn't the best one I ever wrote. Though I liked the bit about Kain staring at Umah like she'd just hatched a monkey...But that's just me. I guess it would have been better if I'd used a song other than "Hope of Deliverance" since a majority of the population hasn't heard it. Oh well. With luck, this one will be better!_

_Anyhow, reviews! Yay! (I like reviews...Yay people who review me! When I take over the world, I'll see to it you all get to own your own small country.)_

_Smoke: Ask, and ye shall receive. :-) Man, you're one of my more faithful reviewers, too...YOU ROCK! (bows down) I feel a bit guilt though...Seems sort of wrong to feel bad for Umah._

_Tom T. Thomson: Yeah, decided it hated me, too...I'm scared to leave reviews now. I'm afraid will attack me if I do. (lol) Thanks a lot! Again, I feel bad for making others feel bad for Umah...Well, sorta._

_Syvia: Review 1: Wow! I got hugged! (sniff) I'm so special...They even gave me my own bus. Anyway, I imagine if Silicon Knights could pump out an extra Moebius, Crystal Dynamics can come up with a spare Umah. In fact, I bet they make lots of spares for all the bit characters, just in case... Review 2: Thanks! Yes, Raziel does have a rather distinct mean streak in him...And then you compare him to Kain, and think "Crap, this guy's a puppy compared to him!" Hehe...You can thank Michael Bell for Razielia. I just took his outtake to this next level—character creation! (insert evil Tomlette laugh here). Review 3: Thank you!!! Yes, I totally agree that Razielia deserves her own series. You guys keep supporting my fics, and in time you can keep an eye out for "Legacy of Koein: Drag Reaver" (scary, huh?). Review 4: Yeah. He did. And yeah. Kain looked like Mario. So, really...they were both right. Review 5: Mel Brooks rules. End of story. Unless he's in Nosgoth. But he's not. So he rules. Yeah, when I did research for that chapter and discovered Dennis Dyack's name, that was the very first thing that came to my mind—So naturally, I put it in. A true parody is no-holds barred, after all... Review 6: Eek, this is a long answer. Yeah, I figured that was all he was really spazing about in the game—he'd probably leave you alone if you didn't have to break the windows to kill him! And once again, I must finish THIS fic before I can start another...So, the more support and reviews I have, the faster I'll (likely) go, the sooner I can move on to other ways to demolish the series. ;-)_

_Semdai: Glad you enjoyed it! Uh, but don't fall out of your chair...That might prove painful. Not sure, but I have this suspicion that it might be, on an outside chance..._

_And now, I present to you're the 7th (oo, lucky number!) installment of..._

**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib 7 **

**Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2: Raziel and Janos Audron**

At last. At long last, he'd done it. After all the twists, all the turns, all the deception, Raziel now stood before the doors that would lead him to Janos Audron—the Ancient vampire which alone seemed to have the answers Raziel sought. Would he, at last, be told of the part he was expected to play out in this epic game? Would he, at last, have explained why the Reaver seemed to haunt him?

"Oh my GAWD! Is that really red oak?! Wow, that is just so awesome!"

Would he, at last, be able to ditch this Drag Reaver before she/he drove him insane??

"Razielia, would you please shut up?" Raziel turned and looked at the transsexual version of himself. She was admiring the large doors that opened into the room before them with wide, white eyes. She was clad in what she claimed to be her "normal" attire—a white and multi-shaded blue, tattered dress with matching gloves and shoes, with a silver tiara and blue and white Reaver which she could summon at will, as he did his. She claimed to be Razielia the Drag Reaver from another realm of reality where Nosgoth vampires tended have many more, uh, homosexual tendencies among other things. She'd also been his shadow ever since he'd discovered her at the Pillars of Nosgoth some 600 into the future.

"Oh, sorry, Raz-man," Razielia jumped backwards and gave Raziel a clear path to the door. "I promise I'll be quiet now. Really."

Raziel sighed. "Razielia, you promised that two puzzles ago," he said, "As well as four or five demons before that...And then there was that time when you swore on your Mother's grave you'd stay out of my hair when you caught up with me after I ran from you at the Pillars." Raziel considered. "And don't call me Raz-man."

"I know, I know!" Razielia looked down shamefully, "But..I...I...I mean this time...really..." She used her scuffed pumps to draw lines on the rock ledge. "Please don't send me away, Raziel...I have no place else to go..." She glanced up at him, and though her eyes were the same as his--basically big balls of white light--she still managed to get her point across to Raziel: ditch me, and I'll send you on the guilt trip of your life, unlife, and death.

He sighed and crossed his arms. "Okay," he mumbled, and Razielia almost instantly perked up. But before she could get too enthusiastic, he held out one clawed hand at her in attempt to keep her calm. "However, I want you to stay behind me, stay in the shadows and, for whatever god you choose sake, _be quiet_. Do all those things, and we might actually get this shot with no problems, and I won't tell Amy that you're still following me around. Deal?"

Razielia nodded vigorously. "Deal!" she exclaimed, "I'll stay out of the way, in the shadows, and I'll be quiet."

"That means no waving your Reaver around," Raziel reminded her, "And that **definitely** means no cheers."

"No Reaver waving, and no cheers," Razielia nodded again, "Got it."

Raziel sighed and nodded. "Okay, so long as you've got it," he said. He had a sneaking suspicion that this would probably end up being a bad idea, but at the moment, what else could he do? Other than contact Amy Henning, of course, but it could take hours before she could do anything about Razielia. "Ready?"

"Ready," the Drag Reaver said, and gestured toward the door. "Straight soul-devouring wraiths first."

Raziel nodded and opened the door, unsure what to expect. Was Janos the demon that the Sarafan believed him to be? Or was he one of the angelic creatures depicted in the murals left behind from ancient times? Curiosity alone, not to mention the other emotions that had been over whelming him these past days, burned through him like fire as he opened the door and beheld what lay beyond.

The room was large, made of what appeared to be stone such as marble and granite. At the far side there appeared to be a basin filled with blood, as a mortal's basin may have been filled with water. But what really attracted Raziel's attention was the silhouette against the winter light that filtered in through the balcony door. He was blue skinned with raven black hair, like Raziel himself, with great black-feathered wings on his back and a white vest made specifically to keep out of the way of the wings while in flight. Even then, he could tell that whatever this creature was, it was surely no demon.

"Janos...Audron?" Raziel asked causiously. Many hard lessons had taught him, long ago, that things were not always as they appeared, and so it seemed safer to confirm Raziel's suspicion first.

The figure slowly turned at the sound of Raziel's voice, revealing a fair face that, save for the fanged teeth and cat-like yellow eyes, could almost--almost--pass as an angel.

"It is heartening," Janos began, "after all these years, to hear my name spoken without contempt."

Now, as they both beheld each other fully for the first time, Raziel realized something else--Janos had been expecting him, and was horrified by what he saw. Raziel glanced downward slightly. Though his current form was not his fault, he still could not help but, at times, be ashamed of it, or recent it.

"Raziel??" Janos asked, seemingly in shock, "My child, what have they--"

"Yani!!!" came a loud, girlish shriek from behind Raziel. His eyes widened suddenly as he realized what it was, and as a certain Drag Reaver bolted past him towards Janos.

"Razielia, NO!" Raziel yelled, and lunged for her. Unfortunately, she already had too much of a head start, and so he missed and hit the hard rock floor, rather unceremoniously if he did say so himself. Razielia, meanwhile, made a leap of her own at Janos--not to attack him, however, but to hug him as one may guess by her out stretched arms. Janos, having been completely unprepared for anyone besides Raziel being there, and having read NOTHING in the script that mentioned blue wraiths in drag jumping on him, only managed to stumble backwards a few feet with his arms up like a shield. This caused him to slip on the slick floor, however, and go tumbling backwards onto the balcony as Razielia pounced hum, where he, too, hit the floor. Thanks to the added weight of Razielia, his head hit the surface with a rather sickening "thud" and, upon impact, knocked Janos Audron unconscious.

Raziel's eyes widened in horror, and he got up as quickly as he could to check on Janos. Razielia made a tiny, frightened squeak as she got up, and pressed herself up against the wall as Raziel looked the Ancient over. Janos had a rather nasty bump on the back of his head, and had yet to regain consciousness. Raziel, at the moment more concerned with getting Janos functional again rather than tearing Razielia limb-from-limb, began to gently shake him.

"Come on, Janos...Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey..."

"Murrrrugh," was Janos's only reply.

Raziel stared down at him. "You broke him," he said, sounding bewildered. He looked from Janos, then up to Razielia, who was still staring at what she had done. "You broke him. You broke Janos Audron."

"Well...I...um...," Razielia made a noise similar to a gulp, "See, he...he looks a lot like someone I...I knew from my home...Named...Y-Yani Audron..."

"Yani...?" Raziel blinked, "What the hell kind of vampire has a name like...Never mind, don't answer that, I don't want to know." He sighed and looked down at Janos, who groaned again in response. "The oldest living vampire in all the world and happens to be the only individual in all of time who can tell me what part I play in this God-forsaken series...And you broke him."

"I was trying to give him a hug!" Razielia cried defensively. "I didn't mean to hurt him! I was an accident!"

"That never would have happened if you'd just done what I said!" Raziel spun on her and summoned the Reaver. Though the Drag Reaver had a weapon of her own she could summon, it had been in his experience that Razielia didn't like violence, and so when she made another small squeak and quivered, he wasn't surprised.

"Now...Now, Razi, don't...over react or do anything rash...," she mumbled.

Raziel sighed and sat up, the wraith blade disappearing as he did so. He disliked admitting he was wrong, but what he really hated was admitting that she/he/it was right. So instead of doing so, he glanced at Janos again and shook his head.

"Well, there's nothing to help it," he said, "I've gotta call Amy about this. She's more than likely going to have to boot you. Sorry, Razielia."

She gave a loud gasp. "Oh, PLEASE, no!" she shrieked. She finally stopped cowering, only to jump in front of Raziel and start groveling. "Please, please, please don't tell the director lady I'm here! PLEASE! I'll do anything! I'll shine your claws, clean your tabard, and scrub your wings! Anything! Just don't let her send me away!"

Raziel tried not to show what great satisfaction he was taking from this. "Sorry, Razielia, but I have to. Janos is out cold...And if the script goes as planed, the Sarafan will be busting in here soon to kill him, and we can't have that. You shouldn't have broke him in the first place. Too bad, so sad."

Razielia whimpered, but stood up. Raziel watched as her attire changed from the cool colors of her Winter outfit, to the warm colors of her Summer outfit, supposedly thanks to her current mood. The clothing itself, Raziel noted, never actually changed--just the color scheme and, more than likely, her version of the Reaver.

"Well," she whimpered, then sniffed, "If...if that's what you have...have to do..." She sniffed again and looked towards the balcony. "Then...I guess...you...gotta do it..."

Raziel watched his transsexual double and considered his options. He could, of course, just hit her with a telekinetic blast and knock her off the balcony, which would hopefully deal away with her forever, and then try to wake Janos himself. He could also contact Amy Henning, have her put the game on hold while Janos was revived and Razielia escorted out of Nosgoth all together. Or, he could forgive Razielia, and then together they could work to revive Janos. True, she was annoying, and talked a lot, and gave him all these horrible nick names that he'd just as soon take a beating than be called, but there was one fact he could not deny: she was _him._ Though their personalities and preferences differed, they were, in essence, the same person, who had suffered the same betrayals and obstacles as he had. Had she, too, not had the wings torn from her back? Did she not survive off the souls of the dead as he did? Didn't these things somehow, in spirit, make them kindred?

In the end, Raziel knew there was only one way to choose. "Razielia..."

The Drag Reaver sniffed and turned. "Yeah...?" she said pathetically.

Raziel summed the Reaver, and raised his right arm as though the wraith blade were a gun. "Catch." The blast shot forth from the Reaver's end and made perfect contact with Razielia's shoulder, hitting her hard enough to send her over the edge of the balcony, screaming as she fell. Raziel mentally smirked. He may not have been able to deny being related to the morons that claimed to be his brothers or to Kain, but like hell was he going to claim relation to his doppelganger.

Suddenly, there were a few more groans from Janos. Raziel looked down and banished the Reaver to the Spectral Realm before kneeling down next to him. "Janos?" he asked, "Janos, are you alright? Speak to me..."

Slowly, Janos opened his eyes and looked around. For a moment, he seemed unsure of his surroundings, at least until he saw Raziel good for the first time. When he did, he smiled slightly and said, with a completely straight face... "What kind of silly piñata are you, Mister Man?"

"Oh, _hell..._"

Raziel grumbled as he tried to help Janos to his feet. _Great, _he thought, _just great. I think that by ditching Razielia, I may have jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. Oh well...Hopefully, this is nothing a good rinse with blood can't cure._

"Hey, Mister Man," Janos said in a small, child like voice as Raziel helped him to the basin of blood, "What are we doing?"

"Getting you fixed up," Raziel said in a soft, comforting voice, even though he was already despising the name of "Mister Man". Wouldn't have been so bad had he at least been a man.... "You'll be just fine...Now, tell me, do you remember your name?"

Janos thought for a minute on the subject, and continued to think as he and Raziel stopped in front of the basin. At length, he looked at Raziel. "I think so," he said, "Isn't my name Odo and I can, like, change into different stuff and have, like, no personality?"

Raziel wished he could blink repeatedly as he thought about that. "Um, well," he said, "That wasn't exactly the answer I was expecting...But you're in the right ball park." He gestured to the basin. "Now stick your head in that, and tell me if you feel any better when you come back up."

"Okay!" Janos agreed happily, and without hesitation stuck his head completely under the blood. He stayed there for a few minutes while Raziel hunted down a towel for him. When Janos came up, Raziel handed him the towel to dry his face and hair off with.

"Feel any better?" Raziel asked.

"Oh, yeah," Janos agreed, now sounding much more mature, "Much better...In fact, I think I'm starting to remember some stuff now..."

"Great!" Raziel exclaimed. Maybe he could get his information now after all. "How much?"

"Well...something about a Reaver," Janos began, "And a lot of stuff about prophecies...and..." He paused, and glanced at Raziel.

"And?" Raziel urged, "And what?"

"Something like..." Janos then took a deep breath and sang, "_Did you ever know that you're my heeerrrroooo?_"

Raziel's eyes narrowed dangerously, and before he could stop himself he'd shoved Janos's head back under the blood. Rather or not Janos would (or could) have drown there is a mystery we may never have the answer to, for at that very moment the sound of heavily armored soldiers coming towards the room filled the air, and Raziel was forced to let Janos up. He turned just in time to see none other than the six Sarafan Inquisitors burst through the door. Their leader was chiseled, with raven black hair and brown eyes, features all too familiar to Raziel, and a cruel looking weapon strapped to his arm. The other five also had a familiar feel to them, and even if he hadn't read the script already, the fact that one of them bore Moebius' staff was proof enough of their purpose. Raziel was positive that the other five were his future vampiric brothers.

However, this was not a time for scripts, and Raziel calmly got between Janos and the Sarafan. "Okay, there's obviously been a miscommunication here," he said, "We can't do this part yet, guys, Janos isn't exactly at top performing condition at the moment."

The leader, none other than Raziel's former Sarafan self, gave both vampire and wraith a strange look. "Um, well, exactly how good of condition does he have to be in to die?" the Sarafan Raziel asked, "And besides, the director didn't say anything to us about the vampire being out of commission..."

"Well, that would be because I, uh, hadn't gotten around to telling her yet," Wraith Raziel assured them, "My fault, I admit...But I promise you, you can't kill him yet because we haven't had a chance to do the rest of the scene first."

The Sarafan all grumbled. Then Zephon said, "Well, why don't we just kill him now, and let the company make another one to do for your stuff later?" The others all mumbled in agreement, and a few nodded.

But wraith Raziel shook his head. "No, no," he said, "Because in order for you to be able to kill him, I have to be coming from the Fire Forge, which I can only reach via teleportation by Janos." He shrugged. "If you don't believe me, look it up."

The six Sarafan looked at each other, then began taking their copies of the script out from under their armor. "Give us just one minute," Sarafan Raziel said, then they all turned and huddled together, being sure that all their backs were to Raziel and Janos.

"Take your time," Raziel the Soul Reaver said with a wave of his clawed hand. Janos tapped him on the shoulder, so he turned to look at the Ancient, who was still dripping in blood.

"Are we Smurfs?" he asked curiously. Raziel shook his head.

"Nope, sorry," he replied, "Ever seen a Smurf with wings before?"

"Wings...?" Janos asked, and then scratched his side. "But I don't have..." He suddenly saw the ends of his black wings out of the corner of his eye and gasped. "Woah, DUDE! I have wings!!"

"Yes, Janos," Raziel said with a sigh, "You have wings. Good for you."

"My name's Janos?" the older vampire said, then frowned, "Does that mean I'm Mexican?"

"No, it means you're old as dirt," Raziel replied. He glanced over at the Sarafan's huddle. They were still deeply immersed in discussions. Melchiah even peaked over the others backs just long enough to see wraith Raziel and Janos were still there, then went back to talking. Wraith Raziel sighed and looked back to Janos. "You also have fangs...Tell me, Janos, what kind of creature has fangs?"

"Um," Janos looked up and scratched his neck, "Bats?"

"You're close...Keep guessing," Raziel urged.

"Uh," Janos glanced around, "Bats as old as dirt named Odo?"

"Your name is Janos."

"Oh, right, I knew that," Janos nodded vigorously, "Bats as old as dirt named Janos then."

"You're getting closer," Raziel said encouragingly, "Come on, try again..."

Janos thought about it for a really long time this time, and at length announced to the entire aerie, "I'm an old as dirt Smurf-bat!!!"

Raziel groaned and rather than acknowledge the poor, deranged Ancient's comment, he turned to look at the huddle again. "Finished yet?"

"Yep," Sarafan Raziel said. He turned to face his future self while the others tucked their scripts away. "And we decided that we came here to kill a vampire, and unless the director herself stops us, that's what we're going to do."

"Yeah," Turel agreed, then held up the staff, "You don't know hard it was to carry this thing up here, so like hell are we gonna do it again."

The wraith Raziel grumbled, then turned his back to the Sarafan so he could point to Janos. "But look at him!" he cried, "I mean, just look! He's mentally lost, confused, covered in blood...there would be absolutely no pleasure to be found in killing him like that, I promise you." Raziel continued to gesture at Janos until he noticed something moving by the balcony. He strained his eyes in order to make out a dark blue hand with three great claws on it, black hair and...a tiara?

For the first time in his life (death?) as a soul-devouring wraith, Raziel screamed in horror. He then jumped behind the Sarafan to hide. "Kill it!! Kill it!!" he yelled, pointing to what surely had to have been Razielia climbing her way back up.

The Sarafan, however, looked at what they thought was a vampire with an eating disorder, to each other, and then to Janos, who was humming and bopping his head along with the tune. "Okay," they said in unison, and simultaneously jumped the Ancient vampire.

"Hey!" Janos yelled as Turel activated Moebius' staff and Dumah, Rahab, Zephon, and Melchiah restrained him. "This isn't very Smurfy!!"

"Oh, shut up," Raziel's Sarafan self said, and then brought the cruel blade down into Janos' chest. Janos screamed in agony.

The wraith Raziel, however, was jumping up and down and pointing at the balcony, which he could now see Razielia's head emerging from below as she pulled herself up. "Not him, you dimwits! Her! Him! It! Kill it!!!"

Janos screamed again as his heart was torn from his chest. The Sarafan, having always been creatures of order, then began to recite their lines.

"Look at its black heart!" Turel dutifully declared, "How it still beats!"

Then, as if on cue (and it probably was) the retreat began to cave in.

"The fiend intends to bury us alive!" Dumah yelled, just as he had in rehearsal, "Raziel, we must get out of here!"

"Screw you guys!" the wraith version of Dumah's leader yelled, "I'll get her myself!" He then ran over to the balcony and began to step on her hands. She yelped and shrieked with each stomp, but refused to let go.

"Remember the sword!" the Sarafan Raziel yelled. Dumah then ran over to an ornate case and, upon opening it up, he discovered the Reaver hidden away inside. He pulled it out and, even as the aerie fell around them, called to his fellow Sarafan.

"Hey, guys, look!" he said, then put the Reaver on his head. "It can be a hat!" He then placed it on his chest as though it were some sort of decoration. "Or a broach!" He then pulled it away and began bopping it up and down in the air as though it had wings. "Or a pterodactyl!"

"DUMAH!!!" five voices yelled (there was a sixth voice mingled in with it, but it was yelling "Fall, damn you!" and so didn't mesh as well as the others did, not to mention Janos' dying gurgles in the background).

"Right, sorry!" Dumah apologized. Sword and heart in hand, the Sarafan all fled the collapsing aerie just as it gave another tremble. The shake broke off the piece of the balcony that Raziel and Razielia were on, causing both to plummet to the ground. Razielia was lucky in that she landed on her posterior, but Raziel was not in that he landed on his head, and the piece of balcony landed on him.

"Razi!" Razielia shrieked. She got up, then ran over and removed the large piece of stone. Raziel groaned. Razielia, fearing the worse (whatever that may be for a wraith), kneeled down beside him. "Razi! Razi, speak to me please!"

Raziel looked at Razielia, then at the collapsed aerie as he replayed the entire scene through his head. He knew that the director likely already knew what had happened, and was working hard on the damage control. He also knew who would get the blame for the situation, which made him groan again.

"Razi, say something!" Razielia pleaded.

"If I weren't dead already, Amy would kill me," was the only thing Raziel could think of to say.


	8. Soul Reaver: Raziel & Kain at the Pillar

_Author's Notes: **I'M BACK, BABY!!!** Quake with fear, for Tommi the Tomlette has returned with everyone's favorite pointless, but mildly entertaining piece of fan fiction Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed To Add-Lib! The computer is back up, and should, with any luck, stay that way for...well, ever, hopefully. (lol) Which will surely be more than enough time to finish WVGCAATAL. My thanks to all my readers, but a special thanks to Tom T. Thomson and MortalSora. These two have read every chapter, have helped to spur me on, and were there to reassure me that I'd have at least two readers when I did make my come back. Thanks guys. Oh, and VladamirsAngel, I'm glad that you enjoy it and decided to start reading again. :-) And now, what you've all be waiting for..._

**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib 8  
Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver—Raziel and Kain, First Encounter**

Raziel stood before the doors of the room leading to the former Pillars of Nosgoth and Kain's throne room after manifesting back into the Material Realm. What would he find behind these doors? Would the room where the Lieutenants and their master had shared council so many times during Raziel's millennium of service to Kain be as dilapidated and grotesque as the rest of Nosgoth? Perhaps. Would the flags of the clans still hang in their rightful places, despite the likely amount of time since this place had been used? Perhaps not. But did any of those things matter? No, not in the least. The anger and hatred, and even the mild confusion which churned inside of Raziel as the Abyss itself churned just outside this building was enough to answer that question. All that mattered was Kain and his death for the wrongs he had committed; and Raziel was just the reaver of souls to give it to him. And if a clue to Kain's whereabouts lay within the Chamber of the Pillars, then so be it. It was his duty to find it, and be one step closer to his ultimate goal.

Reassured by his determination, Raziel opened the doors to the room and entered. He was somewhat surprised to find that it was in much the same condition as he remembered it; even his clan's banner still hung in it's place to the immediate right of the Pillars' remnants and Kain's throne. The Pillars themselves still seemed rather unchanged as well. The stumps of the eight in the back leaned in every direction like broken teeth as a testament to Kain's evil, seemingly crying out, "Look at us! We were once beautiful, and grand, and reached into the sky forever. Now, he has made us shadows of our former selves by turning us into decorations in his empire of corruption, mocking our former glory." The only somewhat straight Pillar was that of Balance in the foreground, on which Kain had built his throne...

"Raziel."

Raziel's eyes widened and he followed the voice to the throne itself. There, sitting casually was Kain, the great sword known as the Soul Reaver strapped to his back as always. Kain looked bored, and tired...and as though he had been waiting for Raziel for sometime.

"Kain!" Raziel exclaimed, the hatred for his former master boiling up inside of him. No wonder the Elder God wanted him to come here. It wasn't merely a clue to Kain he was meant to find, but Kain himself. He'd have to remember to thank his new master for this opportunity.

Kain looked Raziel over, as though Raziel were there for a routine report of his clan rather than to take his maker's head. He seemed less than disgusted by Raziel's new form. In fact, he seemed almost bored with it—as though he'd seen it before. "The Abyss has been unkind," Kain stated calmly with a small smirk. He then rose and began to slowly approach his fallen son.

"I am _your_ creation, Kain," Raziel snapped, "Now, as before. You criticize your own work." Raziel paused, feeling something move around where his throat used to be. Then, suddenly, he blurted in a voice not his own, "Am I so changed?"

Kain stopped and blinked. "Um, I think that was one of Melchiah's lines, Raziel," he said, sounding somewhat annoyed. "Who I believe you've already killed, and has nothing to do with this conversation."

Raziel blinked and, despite his lack of one, tried to clear his throat. "Yeah, I know," he agreed, sounding a bit confused, "Maybe it was just something I absorbed from his soul or something...I don't know. Continue?"

Kain shrugged. "Yeah, they can cut it out later...Take your line from the top."

Raziel nodded, attempted to clear his throat once more, and then began again. "I am _your_ creation, Kain, now as before. You criticize your own work. What have you done with my clan, degenerate? You have no right—"

Kain suddenly cut him off. "What I have made," he said, coolly, "I can also destroy, _child._"

Raziel felt his blood boil. "Damn you, Kain! You're not God!" Then after another strange feeling in his throat area, he said in another voice, "What is it, an electric sponge?"

Now even Kain's eyes widen. "Was that Drew Pickles from 'Rugrats'?"

"Uh..." Raziel said, now thoroughly bewildered, "Actually, I think it might have been." He looked around as if expecting to see someone somehow forcing him to talk in strange voices. "But where it came from, I have no idea..."

Kain eyed Raziel carefully. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asked, probably more out of curiosity than concern.

"Well, yeah, I'm perfectly—"This time, he tried to fight the strange urge, and was unsuccessful as he blurted, in a totally new voice, "Ooh. Aren't we sounding folksy."

Kain had to think about that one. "Quackerjack," he stated, "From 'Darkwing Duck'. You know, I kind of liked that show, DW was hilarious..."

"Who cares if you liked some dumb cartoon show or not!" Raziel exclaimed, "I'm being taken over by phantom voices over here!"

"Well, I'm sure there's a logical explanation," Kain said, "People don't just go blabbing in weird voices without explanation..."

"Me Swoop no see nothing," Raziel proclaimed in the voice of Swoop from "Transformers". Then, in his own voice, which now began to sound somewhat panicked, "Kain, there's something seriously wrong here..."

"Okay, okay, let me see here," Kain reached into his pants, reminding Raziel briefly of a Mel Brooks joke, and watched as he withdrew a spiral bound book, the cover of which read "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver Revised © 1999 Edios Interactive, Crystal Dynamics". Kain opened the book to a certain page, and began to read.

"If, by some weird freak of nature, we should ever want your opinion, we'll take a crowbar and beat it out of you!" came the voice of Eddie "Auger" Augutter from "InHumanoids" out of Raziel. "Kain, hurry it up!"

"Okay, okay," Kain grumbled as he read, "Well, first, you come in, I say 'Raziel', you say 'Kain', I tell you the Abyss has been unkind, you say you're my creation—which is complete bull, by the way—You ask where your clan is, I say I can destroy what I make, you claim I'm not god—There's a large legion of humans that would disagree with that statement, but that's neither here nor there..."

"Kain, enough of the synopsis, what are they doing talking through me?!" Raziel exclaimed and then said, as if in reply, in the voice of Oompy from "Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland", "We're BEING here!"

"Hold on, there's a method to my madness," Kain replied, and then continued, "Anyway, I give you a big lecture about regret and choices, you say you'd choose integrity, I point out the obvious and then kick your ass, break the Reaver over you and leave, and then you gain the Soul Reaver as a wraith blade and befriend Ariel." Kain paused as he glanced over the page. "Nope, nothing about being possessed by a bunch of voices."

"Well, I could have told you that, genius!" Raziel snapped. "And for the record, before you can kick my ass, I have to kick YOUR ass."

"Oh, please, Raziel," Kain rolled his eyes and shook his head, "Don't flatter yourself. All you have to do is make me go 'ouch' three times. That hardly classifies as an ass-kicking."

"Oh, I'll show you a—"Raziel was again cut off by a new voice immerging from inside him, this time Naugus from "Sonic the Hedgehog", "Recall me from the void in 1 hour, Robotnik!"

Kain laughed. "You know, this is actually quite a bit more entertaining than the scene itself," he chuckled.

"Bite me!" Raziel yelled in his true voice, making Kain laugh some more (he always had a soft spot for vampire humor). "Help me try to figure out what's wrong, will you?!"

Kain, still laughing, turned to the front of the book to examine the cast. After a moment of looking, he smirked. "Oh dear," he said somewhat mockingly, "I think I found the problem."

"What?? What is it?!" Raziel exclaimed desperately.

"It seems your voice actor is a fellow by the name of Michael Bell," Kain informed him.

"Yeah??" Raziel said impatiently, "So??"

"Well, it just so happens," said Kain, smirking to show his satisfaction in Raziel's discomfort, "that Michael Bell is a rather seasoned actor and voice actor, and is notorious for his ability with voices. So, Raziel my son, if I had to guess what ailed you, I'd say you were being possessed by the many voices of Michael Bell, or at least previous characters of his."

Raziel just stared. "But...I...uh...WHAT?!"

"You heard me," Kain said, still smirking, "You've been possessed by your predecessors."

"That is so unsmurfy!!" Raziel proclaimed, again in a voice not his own.

"Huh, I never knew he did 'The Smurfs'," Kain cooed.

"Uh, Kain!" Raziel suddenly looked too worried to comment on Kain's remark, as he doubled over and grabbed at his tabard in the area of his throat. "I...think...I'm...loosing...it!!"

"Oh, really?" Kain reached behind him and drew the Soul Reaver, then leaned on it as though it were a cane for support. "This should be entertaining then."

Raziel fell to his knees and continued to grip his tabard. "Can't...hold...ARG!!!" Then, suddenly, in the voice of Opus from "A Wish for Wings that Work", "Wait outside, Bill, and try not to give anybody rabies." Then, in the voice of Duke from "G.I. Joe: The Movie", "I want you guys to infiltrate Cobra's artillery and destroy it. By the way: How's he doing?" Followed by, "Constructicons, transform phase one!" and "Don't worry, no one will notice. Just make left turns!" as Scrapper and Sideswipe from "Transformers". He said quite a bit more, and in more voices than either he or Kain could count, but so much was said that there is simply not enough time in the day to list them all here.

Kain, in all honesty however, wasn't even trying to count. In fact, he was laughing so hard that he lost his balance and fell over, and even then he could not stop laughing. "Oh man!" he managed to choke out between giggles, "Oh...oh man...Makes me grateful that Simon Templeman's claim to fame is an aptly named sitcom!"

Suddenly, during Raziel's possessed rant, Ariel materialized near the Pillar of the Mind and looked about. "What's taking so long?" she mumbled, "I want to meet the new star...He should have gotten to me by now." She then spotted the two, Raziel on his knees and raving in many voices that were not his own, and Kain laughing so hard he was tearing up. Ariel frowned, floated over to Kain and tried to get his attention. "What's going on?" she demanded of him, and then gestured to Raziel, "That's not the new guy, is it?"

"Who, him?" Kain managed to get a hold of his laughter long enough to speak and look at Raziel.

"Yes, him," Ariel replied, "Is that your fallen son?"

"That guy?" Kain said, sitting up somewhat and grabbing the hilt of the Reaver, all signs of laughter suddenly gone from his voice. He'd realized, in that moment, what a reflection on him Raziel could possibly be in his current state. "Him?" Kain repeated, then in an effort to cover his rear, "No, no....I've never seen him before in my life."

"Then what's he doing here? And where is the new guy?" Ariel asked. She looked at Raziel as he continued to spurt rambling voices as though he were a fountain of them. "And what is his problem?"

"He's just some crazy guy that wandered in off the street," Kain said with a shrug, "I think he has multiple personalities or something...As for Raziel, he got stuck on a block puzzle and will be here shortly."

"Oh," Ariel said, "I see. Well, you better get rid of this poor guy or something soon, we don't want Raziel to see him."

"Yeah, good idea," Kain agreed. Ariel nodded and faded back into the Spectral Realm. After she was gone, Kain considered the situation, and then glanced at Raziel. He was unable to stop himself from collapsing in laughter a second time.

Raziel, however, despite being furious with Kain for claiming not to know him, was only able to say, "That's alright, my immune system should kick in, in a few years," in the voice of Chaz Finster from "Rugrats".

At length, the torrent of voices subsided, and Raziel was left panting on the floor (so was Kain, but he was just out of breath from laughing, plus his sides hurt). Eventually, both looked up at each other. For the moment, any hard feelings Raziel had against Kain were set aside—he was simply happy to be himself again.

"So, um," Raziel began softly, sounding a bit hoarse, "Wanna just...take a small break and just...try it again later?"

Kain nodded and chuckled again. "Yeah," he agreed, "My sides are about to split—I need to recuperate some first. I bet your voice could use a break too." Raziel simply nodded. "Then how about you and I go find something to eat, take a break, and meet back here in five and we'll give it another shot. The director would tell us to do the same, I'm sure."

"Deal," Raziel agreed hoarsely, and then disappeared into the Spectral Realm before Kain could change his mind. He was careful, for his pride's sake, to avoid Ariel.


	9. Blood Omen: Kain and Mortanius

_Author's Notes: Okay, I just decided that currently SUCKS for not posting my update. I'm mad at them, and so I intend to bomb them with rubber chickens and beat their servers with steel chairs in my next life. Unless, of course, they do this chapter right—then all is forgiven. Now, reviews (what few I had, stupid )_

_MortalSora: Why, thank you! While I admit, I did put more effort into that last chapter than I did in most of the others, finding all the roles wasn't as hard as you'd think. Thankfully, The Internet Movie Database __) lists not only movies, but also TV series, made-for-TV movies, and video games, as well as everyone involved with their production. This includes a database for all the actors that they know of and, holy crap, Michael Bell has been there, done that, and brought back a shirt to prove it. I was shocked to discover how many of my favorite and my friends' favorite shows and whatnot he'd been in, or at least his voice (well, usually his voice). They also have a nice little "memorable quotes" section for some entries, which is where all the quotes for other voices came from. You should look it up sometime, as well as other LOK actors—you'd be amazed at what else you've seen or heard them in, and didn't know it._

_Killer Doll Prototype 5: Yeah, well, having such a well-known voice actor obviously has its downfalls... :-P_

_And now, new and improved with a minty freshness, it's none other than...._

**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib 9  
****Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain: Kain and Mortanius**

_Vae Victus - suffering to the conquered. Ironic that now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as physical pain. Rather the cruel jab of impotent anger - the hunger for revenge._

Kain awoke, bound by the hands to poles that forced him to stand; rather he wanted to or not. He and the poles were standing on a ledge over looking a pool of fire and lava. He was vaguely aware of pain in his chest, and looked down to see the point of a sword protruding from his chest and through his armor. He had also a vague memory of the town of Ziegstruhl, of a being refused a drink at the tavern and being greeted at the door by bandits. He remembered the ambush, and fighting well, giving out his trademark call of "Vae Victus!" as each one fell. But he was out-matched, and soon, their numbers overwhelmed him. He remembered being disarmed, becoming disoriented. The sound as one of them cried "End it now!" And then, pain, blood and...

Suddenly, all became clear. He, Kain, nobleman of Coorhagen, had been murdered, and now rested in what must be the very bowels of Hell.

Kain looked about now with a clearer understanding of his situation, and thought.

_I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell - all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Sometimes you get what you wish for. The Necromancer Mortanius offered me a chance for vengeance. And like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost_.

Was that true? His still scattered brain reconsidered his own thoughts, and upon seeing the corpse-like figure in the black robe from the corner of his eye, he knew that it had to have been. This figure, this Mortanius, had indeed made him an offer...an offer his disgruntled and vengeful soul was unable to refuse. To return as a creature of the night...to avenge his own death and take the blood of his enemies for his own...it seemed to good to be true.

_Nothing is free._

_Not even revenge_.

Kain felt Mortanius grip the hilt of the sword sticking out of his back.

"You will have the blood you hunger for," he promised the spirit. Mortanius then strengthened his grip on the sword, and gave a mighty pull on it, an act that, as soon as done, would transform Kain from the handsome, brunet nobleman of his life, to the grotesque, pale skinned and white haired vampire of his unlife...

The only problem with that, however, was that the sword was stuck.

Mortanius glanced about, a bit embarrassed, and then gave the sword another, somewhat harder tug. The result was much the same as before: the sword remained planted in Kain's back. Mortanius grumbled and tried again, this time pulling hard enough to make Kain grunt.

"What in the hell are you doing back there?!" Kain snapped, trying to look over his shoulder at the Necromancer. "Just pull the damn thing out already!"

"I'm trying!" Mortanius growled back, "But I can't! It's stuck!"

"WHAT?!" Kain's eyes widened. "Stuck?! How in the hell can that thing be stuck??"

"Do I look like a blacksmith to you?" Mortanius grumbled, obviously irritated. He looked at the sword hilt for a moment, and then rolled up the sleeves on his shirt. "Brace yourself, I'm going to try again."

"Knock yourself out," Kain grunted, but he planted his feet in the dirt just the same.

Mortanius grabbed the hilt again, braced one leg up against the left pole Kain was tied to, planted the other leg firmly to the ground, and then pulled with all of his might against the sword. Kain braced himself, and also pulled, to the best of his ability. But the sword never gave, and at length Mortanius' hands slipped and he fell backwards onto his bum, which he met with a loud curse. Kain was thrown forward as well, but his constraints didn't allow him to go far.

"That hurt," Mortanius grumbled as he got back up and dusted himself off. "I'm afraid it's wedged in there too tight for me to budge, Kain..."

"Well, great!" Kain exclaimed, "Just wonderful! What idiot did that, anyway? I swear, I'll make that assassin's end very slow and painful for this." He sighed. "So now what?"

The Necromancer continued to brush himself off as he circled around to Kain's front so that they could look each other in the face. "Not sure," he said, thoughtfully, "But I'm working on it..."

"Well, hurry up," Kain said impatiently, "We have the entire game to do yet...this is just the prologue..."

"I know, I know, just give me a minute," Mortanius said. He looked out over the fiery pool as he thought. At length, he reached into his cloak and withdrew a cell phone. "I think I need to make a few calls..."

Kain blinked. "Calls?" Kain said, amazed, "You mean you can get reception down here?"

"Oh, sure," Mortanius shrugged, "But the plan's terrible...Luckily, I have unlimited Guardian-to-Guardian minutes. Good thing, too—since Nupraptor went crazy, there's really no other way to get in touch with the others."

"You're a Guardian??" Kain said, awed.

"Well, yeah," Mortanius said, "I thought you knew that...It's all in the script." Mortanius considered. "You have read the script, haven't you?"

"Of course I have!" Kain said defensively, then, after glancing around, added as an after note, "Sort of..."

Mortanius groaned and begin dialing a number. "Never mind," he muttered, then held the phone up to his ear. Kain, intrigued, listened in.

The Necromancer stood still and silent for a few moments, then sat up and began to talk. "Bane?" he said, "Yeah, this is Mortanius...Listen, do you have anymore of that weird grease you and Anarcrothe made?" A pause. "Yes, the one with the whale blubber in it." Another pause. "He's got it, does he? Hmm...Well, are you at Dark—What? Hello? I can't hear you! Bane? Bane, are you standing next to DeJoule? Bane, move away from her! Move away from DeJoule!" He sighed, and glanced at Kain. "Her energy field messes ups his reception..."

"Ah," Kain said with a nod, as though all were explained.

"Yeah...Hold on. Bane?" Mortanius' attention was back on the phone. "Did you move? You need to stop doing that when you're on the phone...Yeah, about that grease, you said Anarcrothe's got it. Is he there at Dark Eden? Yeah? Could you tell him to drop some of that off with Azimuth and tell her to bring it to me? She knows where I am." There was another pause. "Well, you remember what we're doing today, right? Starting to film 'Blood Omen'? You know how I'm supposed to change him? Well, the damn's sword's stuck." A loud noise came over the line, and Kain thought he saw Mortanius smirk. "No, I kid you not, I can't budge it for anything. I wanted to try the grease and see it that helped." Another pause. "Call Malek to get it? No way, Bane...He's still pretty sore about that whole 'pleasures of the flesh' thing; I'd rather not use him if I had a choice. Thanks though. I'll call Az and give her a head's up. Take care, Bane." Mortanius pressed a button on the phone, and nodded to Kain. "See? We'll have it out in no time, you'll see."

"Oh, I feel so much better," said Kain in a flat tone that said exactly opposite.

Mortanius made another call, this time to Lady Azimuth the Planar, the Guardian of Dimension and Matriarch of Avernus, convincing her to bring the grease to them. There was a bit of an argument, Azimuth apparently wanting to send a demon in her stead. At length, however, she gave in to coming herself, and Mortanius thanked her and hung up.

"Do you really think this will work?" Kain asked curiously as he watched the Necromancer out the cell phone away.

Mortanius shrugged. "Can't hurt," he said truthfully, "Worse comes to worse, you'll make good frying covered in animal grease."

Kain rolled his eyes. "Aren't you funny," he muttered.

Mortanius looked at Kain with one eyebrow raised. "I was joking?" he asked, "Hmm, news to me." Kain's eyes bulged, and he was in the process of asking a question when Azimuth walked up from behind them.

"I swear, Mort, you really owe me for this one," she grumbled, "My babies were having such a good time burning down the city...and you're making me miss it!"

"Oh, don't be such a cry baby, Az," Mortanius said, "They'll still be burning it down when you get back...Oh, where are my manners? Azimuth, this is Kain. Kain, this is Lady Azimuth."

"Greetings," Kain said politely, nodding in greeting between the two poles the bound him.

"How do you do," Azimuth returned with a nod of her own, and then handed a jar of yellow sludge to Mortanius. "Here it is...just showed up with Malek, Anarcrothe did, right there in the middle of my Cathedral! Can you believe that??"

Mortanius took the jar and glanced at it, then groaned and held his stomach. Azimuth looked at him. "Are you alright?" she asked.

Mortanius nodded and released his hold on his stomach. When he did, Kain could have sworn he saw a flicker of green in Mortanius' eyes. It was brief, but it was there...and it made Kain curious. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, Az, you're a life saver," he said.

"Stop calling me Az!" Azimuth snapped, then sighed and rubbed her baldhead. "Whatever...I have a autocracy to demolish, and Turel needs feeding." With that, she stormed off the ledge the way she came, leaving Kain wondering what a Turel was.

Mortanius looked at the grease, then looked at Kain. "Well, shall we?"

"Yeah," Kain agreed, "My arms are starting to go to cramp."

Mortanius began to rub the grease all over the blade, at least everywhere that seemed to relate to removing it from Kain. After about a third of the jar had been used, Mortanius wiped his hands on his legs and got behind Kain.

"Ready??" he called.

Kain braced himself. "Ready!"

"Go!" And they began to pull again. This time, the blade dislodged slightly and moved about a quarter of an inch. Kain grinned in excitement.

"It's working!" he exclaimed, "Keep pulling!" But, instead, the pressure from Mortanius suddenly stopped. Kain blinked, tried to look over his shoulder, and couldn't see anything. "Hey, Mortanius? What did you quit for?"

"Well," came the voice of the Necromancer, only it was somehow...changed. "I thought about it.... and decided that this was far to good an opportunity to pass up."

Mortanius came around so that Kain could see him, only it wasn't Mortanius anymore—the new addition of the flaming green eyes was enough to give that away. Whoever it was, it was now in control, and had a very sickly looking grin on its face. The kind of grin, Kain thought, a wolf would give an injured sheep.

Now Kain, at this point, was only a spirit if a murdered nobleman from Coorhagen who for some reason or another had left home to go adventuring. He was not a dark vampire of the night, not a fearless eater of blood, not a brave slayer of Guardians. He had never led a campaign to take over the world with vampires, had never wielded a sword called the Soul Reaver, had never met a woman named Umah. As a matter of fact, he had also never battled the reformed Sarafan warriors, never heard of the Hylden of the Ancients, never resurrected six of the original Sarafan warriors as his vampiric sons and lieutenants, and so he sure as hell had never had the oldest one of them thrown into a giant whirlpool for growing wings and being a key part of his master plan. In fact, poor Kain had not even the tiniest inkling he would go on from this place and do most of those things, and with his mortal state-of-mind still in tact, he wasn't even sure he was going to get out now that he was faced with this...thing. And so, he did what any normal, everyday Nosgothic noble would have done in that situation.

He screamed like a girl and wet himself.

Mortanius, now speaking as the Unspoken, laughed. "Aww, does poor ickle Kainy want his Mommy? Well, don't worry, little fool...When I'm done with you, they'll need to animate a whole new one just to put the game back on track." Kain gave a tiny, terrified whimper. "And I promise, it will hurt, Scion—it'll hurt quite a bit."


	10. Defiance: Kain and Raziel at the Spirit ...

**Red Alert! Red Alert! All hands to battle stations, Defiance Spoiler in site!  
**Yes, boys and girls, it's another "Defiance" scene. And if you haven't played it yet, then you most definitely do NOT want to read this chapter, as it reveals the ending right off the bat and gets worse from there. So, please, unless you have no intentions of ever playing "Legacy of Kain: Defiance" or have done so already, this chap is not for you, friend. And if you haven't played then....why not?! The price is dropping all the time and Blockbuster's still renting it, so go play it, and THEN come back and read!

_Author's Notes: Ah, that's better! (pets 's server) Sorry it's been so long, life has been...hectic, to say the least. Oy. Thanks for the great reviews guys. And to those who reviewed..._

_Smoke: Hey, sorry I didn't get you last time! You reviewed around the same time I posted Scene 9. Glad you liked the Smurf reference! :-)_

_Tom T. Thomson: Hey, I've already had to speak to you about those sides once! If they split, I'm not picking up the bill... :-P Yeah, the bloody site was being a pill about Scene 8. And I'm glad to BE writing again, even if it is just fan fiction! Anyway, so glad you enjoyed them both._

_Syvia: I have a fangirl!! Yay! (sniffles) I'm so pleased...I'm even more pleased you've enjoyed the fic. It's been a lot of fun to write, but even more fun to know it has been enjoyed. :-)_

_Killer Doll Prototype 5: I'd love to send it to you, but I'm willing to bet that Silicon Knights keeps the footage of Kain wetting himself in a vault under a lock-and-key system that would rival the Pillars themselves, not to mention 24-hour surveillance. So, alas, we may never see that glorious scene...But the rest of the "cast" has never let Kain live it down, I'm sure._

_MortalSora: No Prob, bob, as a friend of mine might say. Onward you say? Onward we go! :-D_

_Komikitty: Review 1: S'okay. Glad you liked it. :-) Review 2:Yeah, Smurfs...Who would've thought? May it serve you well. nods Review 3: I do weird voices too, but mine are really sucky and I couldn't make money off of them if my life depended on it. Review 4: Oh, I'm glad you liked that part! I was afraid I'd over done it...Thank you, and I'll try!!_

_And now, in the new and improved if somewhat **late** (sorry) formula, it's what you've been waiting for...None other than..._

**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib 10  
Legacy of Kain: Defiance: Kain and Raziel at the Spirit Forge**

Today was perhaps the most important day in all of Nosgoth's history. Today, the vampire Janos Audron has again become the last of the Ancients after rising from his tomb; today, Janos' vampiric son and forger of the Reaver blade, has only narrowly escaped death and will soon go on to make other vampires in a world where their number has dwindled; today, the Pillars of Nosgoth have fallen, and Balance has been totally lost. Or has it? For also on this day, the vampire and Scion of Balance, Kain, and his fallen son Raziel the Soul Reaver have come from the future to change this dreadful past, though they started out not totally aware of that fate. Today, Raziel must sacrifice himself to Kain's Reaver to make it the Soul Reaver blade; today, Kain will come face-to-face with the Elder God of the Ancient vampires, who may have very well arranged the very corruption of the planet; today, the road to set all that is wrong right again will begin...

None of that, however, can take place until after Raziel and Kain are on speaking terms again. And at this moment in the Spirit Forge of the Vampire Citadel, Moebius, the Elder God, director Amy Henning and her staff could all tell that the likelihood of that happening anytime soon was as good as a cold day in Hell.

Director Henning sighed and rubbed her temple as she looked at the two antiheros. Kain and Raziel were standing as far aware from each other as possible in the small area, with their backs to each other and refusing to speak except through one of the other characters and/or staff, including the director herself.

"Boys, please," she pleaded, "Just this one scene...this one scene, and you're done with each other because the game will be over. Just work with me here. Raziel? Kain?"

"Why?" Raziel snapped, his normally white eyes blazing with blue fire as he looked at the only director he ever had. "So I can die and make _him_ look like a righteous hero? Ha! When pigs fly, I'll consider it."

"You want me to kill him, and normally, I'd have no problem with that," Kain said, calmly, "After all, I ordered his execution. But _this_...Killing him only to make him look noble and selfless in his so-called sacrifice? Ha! When Moebius lays an egg, I might put thought into it."

"That happened once..." Moebius, leaning against his staff, mused. Kain and Raziel turned to give Moebius puzzled looks.

"How that ever happened," the Elder God stated, "I have no wish to know..."

"I don't think any of us do," Director Henning agreed, then sighed again as Kain and Raziel both turned back to their respective walls. "What am I going to do with these two?" she groaned, "If I can't get them to cooperate with each other, we can get the scene, and if we can't get the scene, we can't finish the game..."

"It's your own fault," the Elder God stated, turning his many eyes towards her, "You were the one that locked them up with nine hours of Moebius and that blasted purple dinosaur."

Raziel and Moebius both shuddered. Kain continued to stare at the wall, still unable to see or hear the Elder God's comments. "Don't remind me," Moebius said, "I wasn't even forced to watch it and I was scarred for life..."

"Okay, so, maybe I over reacted a bit," Director Henning admitted, "But I was angry, and desperate, and...Uhg! I wish there were someway to undo it!"

A coffee boy pulled the director's shirt, and she turned to look at him. "M'am," he said, "You...did that to undo...what someone else had done..."

"Yes, that...thing, whatever it is other than a trouble maker," Director Henning shrugged. "So?"

"So...maybe...that redo what she...he...did before?"

Suddenly, Raziel and Kain both whipped around, eyes bulging. "NO!" they shouted in unison, "Anything but THAT!"

But the director ignored them as she considered. "Well," she thought aloud, "He...she sometimes does more harm than good. That bit with Janos, and what happened at Avernus are proof of that...then again...she...he isn't the most violent of creatures in the world, and seems rather patient..."

"Please!" Raziel strode towards Director Heinning, hands clasped together and before him, pleading. "Please, don't do this. I'll do anything...just don't bring that...thing back!"

But Director Henning held her hand up. "I'll hear nothing of it," she announced, "And after all, nothing else seems to be working, and we have to get this done today to stay on schedule." She turned to her crew. "Everyone, clear the set."

"Amy, please," Kain said, pleading as well. Even his normally cold yellow eyes were wide with worry. "Let us be reasonable about this..."

"I tried to be reasonable, Kain," Director Henning said as camera people, assistants and who knows what else began to file out. "I tried to talk to you both, I tried to make you talk to each other...I even had to have the Elder God kick Raziel out of the Spectral Realm to make you two acknowledge each others existence! Which, by the way, failed miserably along with everything else. And besides, who are you to talk about being reasonable, diaper boy?" Moebius snickered, but fell silent as soon as Kain shot him a dark look.

"I'd like to see you hold it any better in that situation," he mumbled, mainly to himself.

Directo Henning shrugged. "In all honesty, you two have left me no other choice." She then turned to Moebius. "You had better leave, too, Moebius... This may not be pretty."

Moebius nodded and began to leave, snickering and muttering under his breath, "Poor suckers." Raziel was tempted to run him through with the Reaver right then and there, but decided to spare Moebius that fate for the moment. The sick bastard would probably enjoy it or something...

The director turned towards the exit herself, but Kain began to follow, not yet giving up hope. "You're not be very rational about this...Maybe we have been a bit hard-headed, but we'll work on it, really...Please, just don't sick that thing on us!"

"Sorry, Kain," Director Henning said, "There really is no other choice." She nodded to the Elder God's largest eye. "You know what to do," she said, and then walked out, closing a large door that read "Backstage: Designers and Developers Only", effiectively locking Kain and Raziel together.

"Wait!" Kain exclaimed, but it was too late. His cry fell upon deaf ears. Sighing, he turned and walked back towards his original place, trying to rid himself of the bitter taste of defeat in the process.

Raziel was thoroughly enjoying the site. It wasn't often that even a director defeated Kain. After all, he had two previous directors who could testify to that. And so it gave Raziel great pleasure to see him in such a state. That is, until he heard the Elder God speak.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," came the great voice from everywhere. "But this next bit should be even better...So, I'll go ahead and proceed, and hope I still have some popcorn left over from when you killed Rahab, Raziel."

Raziel spun to look at the eye in order to address it, but was instead greeted by a swirl of a bluish, glowing mist as a strange dark blue creature with a long black, braided hair crowned with a silver tiara began to materialize. Its dark, burnt looking body was covered in a sequin blue ball gown, its clawed hands covered in white gloves and white shoes with silver clasps adorned its feet. A beaten looking blue silk veil covered its face just as Raziel's tabard covered his, and a set of glowing white eyes burned in the sockets, as did a pair of useless, battered, and boneless wings fall from its back—both identical to that of Raziel's. This being could only be none other than Raziel's doppelganger from another reality: Razielia the Drag Reaver. Trouble followed her like her own shadow; mischief clung to her like a fowl stench. She was presumed locked away in the Underworld permanently after what was now known as the "Avernus Incident", hopefully never to be heard from again...

Locked away, that is, until now.

"Razielia has entered the building!" she proclaimed loudly in her girlish voice, then propped her clawed hand on her hip as she surveyed her surroundings. Both Raziel and Kain, still not totally sure what to think of the transsexual drag reaver, shrank away from her and tried to remain unnoticed. Their discomfort around her was one of the few things they could agree on these days.

"Where am I?" she asked as she glanced about, "Last thing I remember, I was discussing with a wraith how the Grim Reaper look went out of style sagas ago, and that purple is so last century..."

"We have an...issue, Razielia," the Elder God explained, sounding quite smug about the situation. "Do you recall what you were imprisoned for?"

"Oh, hi, Eldy," Razielia said, turning to face his largest eye, "Oh, sure, hun, I remember. It was for making Raziel and Koein get along with each other when they were supposed to hate one another..."

"Don't call me Eldy," the Elder God groaned a bit. Raziel took note that he didn't bother to correct Razielia on Kain's name. "Yes, well, in order to fix that problem, our director had them endure many hours of Moebius' ramblings and Barney the Purple Dinosaur tapes." Even Razielia shuddered at the thought. "The problem is that it worked far too well. Now, we do need them to work together, and they won't."

Razielia waved her hand at the Elder God's eye and shook her head. "Oh, honey, is that what I'm here for? To make those two like each other?" She chuckled. "Well, doll, you came to the right place! Dr. Razielia Medicine Reaver is on the job!"

"Oh dear god..."

Razielia spun and looked behind her. Raziel turned as well, and was shocked to see that Kain was the one to have spoken. He knew that the vampire had been doing his best to escape notice—same as Raziel himself—but why he would reveal himself now escaped Raziel. Kain stood in a darkened corner, the Reaver strapped in its rightful place on his back, and the vampire's wild yellow eyes were wide.

"You can't possibly be serious," he began, "You can't actually intend to try and...fix us."

"Babe, I have been recruited to do a job, and I intend to do it, Koein," Razielia said defiantly. Apparently, some things never change, no matter what reality your from.

Kain's eyes narrowed. "My name is Kain," he snarled, "I expect you to use it."

"I expect you to shut the hell up," she snapped in an uncharacteristic show of any emotion other than bubbly-giddiness. Her voice deepened somewhat, making her sound more masculine. "And I can call you Jimmy Joe Bob if I so chose and you can't do a damn thing about it."

Raziel felt like smirking if he had the ability to do so anymore. Not just everyone had the courage to mouth off to Kain like that. He somewhat admired Razielia for it, even if she likely wouldn't survive the encounter, which he thought to be quite likely.

Kain drew the Reaver with lightning reflexes and took a few steps towards Razielia, enraged. "Very brass," he said calmly, though his eyes were anything but calm, "Brass, but stupid...what do you think is standing between me and pulling you into the Reaver instead of Raziel?"

"The fact that if you do, the director lady will probably lock you in here for all eternity," Razielia said matter-of-factly in her more girlish voice.

Kain paused and lowered the Reaver, a look of realization crossing his face. "Oh," he muttered, "Right. Damn."

Raziel gave an amused snort. He then widened his eyes in horror as he realized what he'd done, and he spun to look at Razielia to see if she had noticed him.

The excited squeak and clap she gave proved she had. "Razzy!" she proclaimed happily, "Oh, Razzy, I'm so happy to see you again!" She began running towards him.

"Don't even think about it," he warned, and she quickly stopped her advance. Kain grumbled to himself. It was just his luck that he'd end up with a biased negotiator.

Razielia looked between them, and then shook her head. "Well, this is how we're going to do it...I'm going to let one of you talk, without any interruptions from the other. Then the other will talk without being interrupted. Then we'll see about working everything out." Both wraith and vampire were unsure how that would help anything, but they were also aware that they had no choice. "Raziel, you're first."

"Why does he get to be first?" Kain protested.

"Because you can kiss my ass," Razielia replied. Kain sighed. He feared this wouldn't turn out well for him.

"What am I supposed to talk about?" Raziel asked.

Razielia seemed to mimic rolling her eyes, which was the best she could do with her light-filled sockets. "Your problems with Koein, duh."

"Kain," the vampire corrected.

"Whatever," the Drag Reaver shrugged.

Raziel considered. Where to begin? There was so much...So much hatred, so much bad blood. Where could he possibly begin? He looked over at Kain felt his anger boil up inside of him. Suddenly, he knew.

"My wings," he began, "That's when it started. Before then, sure, I had a few problems with him. His style of running a government was crude, to say the least...and his temper was short and unpredictable...I lost many a good messenger to his angry whim. But that was forgivable, because he was my master, my lord...Kain was my father." Raziel shook his head. "But when he tore my wings from my back and threw me into the Abyss...That was unforgivable."

"Now wait a minute!" Kain exclaimed, "You know very well I had no choice in the matter of your wings, and furthermore—"

"And furthermore you had best shut that trap of yours before I decide to go postal on your candy ass," Razielia warned, her voice becoming masculine again. Normally, such threats Kain would ignore, but in this case...Well, he wasn't entirely sure what a drag reaver could do to him, and wasn't very keen to find out. With that thought in mind, Kain fell silent.

As Raziel continued, even he was shocked to discover how much of his misfortune he blamed on Kain. From his transformation to the Reaver of Souls, to his inevitable fate of becoming the Soul Reaver itself. From time hopping through Nosgoth's history, to even the goose chase involving the Heart if Darkness, Raziel blamed Kain. In fact, by the time it was all said and done, the only thing that wasn't Kain's fault was the hole in the Ozone layer which, by some bazaar twist even Razielia's reasoning couldn't comprehend, was placed firmly on the shoulders of a talking donkey named Earl.

"And now," Raziel concluded, "They wanted me to sacrifice myself so that he can have the Soul Reaver back and be the great hero that'll save Nosgoth! Can you believe that?! They want me to _give my life_ _up_ for **him!** After all he's done to me!" Raziel fell silent, fuming for a few minutes. At length, he finally said, "I think I'm done."

Razielia blinked. "Um...wow," she mumbled, "That...uh...okay. Well, now that we know how you feel, Raziel, it's time we learned about you, Koein." She turned her attention to Kain. "What do you have to say about all this? And how do you feel about Raziel?"

"My name...is Koein," he grumbled, then blinked realizing what he said, "I mean, it's NOT Koein, it's Kain. And I'm sorry about Raziel's wings, I really am...But there was no way around it. The director made me. And I promise, I took no pleasure from it..."

"Wait a minute, you said that you DID enjoy it!" Raziel exclaimed, "At least, that's what you said in the Cathedral..."

"Now, Razzy, I made him be quiet for you," Razielia said sweetly, "You have to do the same for him." Raziel grumbled and crossed his arms. Kain sighed, again reminded of Razielia's biased judgment.

"Well, that was a lie," Kain admitted, "In fact, it pained me quite a bit to that to you. I liked your wings! And who is he to judge me?" Kain looked to Razielia. "Doesn't he realize the sacrifices that I've made for him? The blood I've spilt for him?!"

So Kain went off on how Raziel had always been ungrateful, uncaringly and self-centered. Kain explained how he had placed his last hopes of saving Nosgoth on Raziel, and how the plan depended upon leaving Raziel in the dark about the entire thing; how he had lead Raziel into the Chronoplast in order to change his destiny, and so on. By the time he was done, Kain was obviously convinced that he had done all the things a loving father could do to protect his favorite child in such a situation, and Raziel along with the rest of the world had painted him the bad guy instead.

"After all I've done for him," Kain said, sounding as though he were somewhere between anger and disappointment, "All I've tried to do as well...and yet, he thinks I'm as evil as the Elder God himself!"

"I resent that remark," the Elder God cut it, but the remark fell on Kain's still Elder-God-Proof ears.

There was a brief, somewhat tense silence as Kain thought. At length, he snorted. "I'm done," he proclaimed, glaring daggers at Raziel. Raziel returned the gaze eagerly.

Razielia scratched her head. "Well, I see how this is," she said as knowingly as a transsexual Drag Reaver can, "You two are both suffering from a severe case of miscommunication is all! Why, we couldn't have gotten any luckier boys...That's the easiest thing in the world to fix."

"It is?" said Raziel, Kain, and even the Elder God at once.

She nodded. "It sure it, kiddies. Razzy, come here, I want to tell you something..."

The Soul Reaver looked suspicious, but edged over to Razielia. She leaned in and then, so quietly even the Elder God couldn't hear, whispered into his ear what he had to do to resolve the entire issue. Raziel's eyes widened.

"No," he said, calmly but firmly as he pulled away from her. He fixed his glowing eyes on his double and narrowed them. "And not just no," he added, "but _hell _no."

"Oh, but Razzy, you have to!" she groaned, "Please, Razzle Dazzle... If you don't, we'll all be stuck here doing nothing but being mad at each other for all of time!"

Raziel shuddered, "Promise not to call me 'Razzle Dazzle' again, and I'll consider it," he said, venom dripping from his voice.

"Okay, I promise," Razielia said, "But you have to say it...Or else you'll be stuck in here forever."

Raziel weighed his options. He could do as Razielia requested and perhaps be let out of the Spirit Forge for a time...Or, he could refuse and spend the rest of eternity locked up with three of the individuals in the universe he liked least. Raziel groaned. It sounded almost as bad as nine hours of Moebius and Barney. And, after all, she didn't say he had to mean it.

"Okay, fine," he sighed, "I submit." He looked to Kain, mumbled something, and then looked away.

"What was that?" Kain said, trying to hide a smirk. He had an idea as to what it was, but he wanted to be sure first.

"I said I was sorry," Raziel muttered.

"That's not all," Razielia insisted, "Go on..."

"Aw, do I have to?" Raziel moaned, sounding like a small child. Razielia nodded, and he sighed and continued speaking, glancing at Kain somewhat. "I'm sorry...for not giving you a chance...for accusing you...for always thinking your just trying to manipulate me...And...I'm sorry...for never forgiving you." As Raziel looked down, a strange feeling over came him as he realized he had, intentional or not, meant the last one. The feeling was old and weak, but vaguely familiar...it was a feeling he hadn't encountered since his execution. But what it itself was exactly, he wasn't sure yet.

Kain blinked and the smirk faded from his face. He wasn't surprised by Raziel's apology; as a matter of fact, he had expected it and was loving the fact Raziel had to do it, since it must have been a great blow to his pride. What had caught him of guard was the sincerity in Raziel's voice as he had finished. Was it possible? After all this time, after all the torture he'd been through...and then Kain had a realization. It was torture Raziel had endured during his years as a wraith, as the Reaver of Souls. It was anything but the noble existence he was used to as a vampire, his hunger now even darker than before. And if what Kain read about Raziel's new master in the scripts was at all true, then yes, these past five centuries and more had been nothing short of torture for Kain's once favorite son. And, as he looked in retrospect, didn't he hold part of the blame?

As Kain considered these things, a long awkward silence fell over the group. Not even Razielia breathed as Kain stood and thought. At length, he began to speak, slowly and somewhat hurt at first, but stronger and with more conviction as he continued. "Raziel...I...I'm touched. And...I'm sorry as well. I hurt you in ways that even I believe to be wrong, and I'm sorry for that. I have done you many great evils for my own gain, and have covered it over saying it was all for your own good. I drug you into a fate not of your own choosing, and I am deeply sorry for it. I...hope that perhaps...you can forgive me someday." Kain paused as Raziel looked up at him, and then added, quietly, "Son."

Raziel's eyes widened. "Father!" he cried out, and ran to Kain. They embraced as though they were long lost friends who had finally found each other after many years of searching. As they hugged, they jabbered out more apologies and laughed about how foolish they had been. Razielia sniffed.

"That's....that's just...so sweet," she said with a breaking voice, "It's just...so inspirational...Oh, thank goodness I can't cry these days, or I'd be bawling the Nile!"

"Here," said the Elder God, withdrawing a small handkerchief from behind a rock with a tentacle. He handed it to her. "Take this, it'll make you feel better."

"Thank you," Razielia whispered and wiped at her glowing eyes, though they were dry as a bone.

The Elder God beheld Kain and Raziel, who now stood apart from each other but were still laughing and talking. "I think we can call the director back now," he said, "I think they'll do alright from here on in...Besides, I've got a Video Game Deity Convention to go to tonight, and Raiden will be pissed if I miss it again this year."


	11. Epilogue: The Screening

**Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib**

**The Epilogue**

_Once upon a time, in a theater far, far away..._

Upon first glance, the cinema appeared empty of all life. But a well-trained eye would know better, and if one looked closely enough, they could see the outlines of three figures in the middle rows: two somewhat humanoid on one row, and in the row behind them, a most definite human. On the screen, they watched not a movie, but a cut scene from a video game. In fact, it was the last images one would see upon playing and completing the game "Legacy of Kain: Defiance", and the fact that they were playing on a large movie screen was no surprise. This was Edios Interactive's private game-viewing theater; it was designed specifically for the purpose of letting the characters of their games see how their scenes had turned out.

The three figures sat silently as they watched Kain walk into a large chamber and stare through a massive crack out towards the ruined Pillars of Nosgoth. He contemplated the Soul Reaver, it's skull's eyes glowing with Raziel's possession of the blade.

"Now, at last, the masks have fallen away," Kain was saying in a voice over, "The strings of the puppets had become visible and the hands of the prime mover exposed. Most ironic of all was Raziel's last gift to me: more powerful than the sword that now held his soul, more acute even than the vision his sacrifice accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion..."

There was a brief pause as Kain changed his gaze from the Reaver, back out to the Pillars. "Hope."

The scene faded to black and then to the credits. One set of human hands, along with two sets of clawed, talon like hands began to clap. As the lights came up, they revealed the human to be none other than Director Amy Henning who had gone to much stress and trouble to finish this game on time. The two in front of her were none other than Kain and Raziel themselves, both perfectly fine after their long endeavor.

"Wonderful," Kain said, still clapping slowly. "Very well done. The best one yet."

"He's right," Raziel agreed, turning around to look at the director with his glowing white eyes. "And not just the best of your, I mean, our Soul Reaver games, either. That's the best game in the series to date..."

Director Henning smiled. "I'm glad you boys think so," she said, "But of course, you know I couldn't have done it without my stars."

"Yes, yes, sing our praises," Kain said smugly as he reached for his mug filled with blood-flavored cocoa, now with "Legacy of Kain: Defiance" written on the side with a picture of both Kain and Raziel swinging their respective Reavers. The director just rolled her eyes. "Hey, Raziel, do that thing again..."

Raziel groaned and looked at Kain. "Oh, come on, I've done it all night," he groaned, "And besides, it's not even really my line, it's Michael Bell's..."

"Your close enough," Kain said with a shrug, and then took a drink of his cocoa. "Come on, do it!"

Raziel sighed. "Fine..." He said, then began to say in a rather sing-song voice, "My name is Raziel, his name is Kain. We are together once again."

Kain gave a loud snort, followed by bellowing laughter that seemed almost unnatural coming out of the old vampire. "Oh, I love it!" he cried out, "Love it!" He grinned a bit as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Yes, Director Henning, I believe that about sums it up, all and all. We may dislike one another from time to time, but together, we are an unstoppable team."

"Well, you know, we didn't get there by ourselves," Raziel said sensibly, "After all, we almost stopped ourselves in that last scene together..."

"Ah, yes, the Spirit Forge," Kain mused, "And of course, Razielia...We owe that little freak a lot."

"Now, Kain, it's not polite to call Razielia a freak," Amy Henning said gently. "Even if she was a fashion crazy, transsexual, soul reaving drag queen from another reality..."

"Since when did I give a shit about being polite?" Kain replied bluntly. Director Henning just shrugged—hard to disagree with that.

"Yeah, she was a lot of trouble, but she proved herself useful in the end," Raziel said, now staring at the screen as it rolled the last of the credits. "Especially when she told off Kain." Raziel wished he could smirk as he heard Kain growl. "Speaking of which, where is the little Drag Reaver anyway?"

"Razielia?" Director Henning asked, though she already knew the answer to that question, "Oh, she was so moved by your sacrifice, Raziel, that she decided that it was time for her to go home and face her own demons, so she left."

"She left?" Raziel said, blinking. He turned around in his seat to look at the director, almost spilling his can of "Spirit Plasma Cola" as he did so. "As in, she could?"

"Oh, sure," Director Henning shrugged, "All she really had to do was sweet talk the Elder God into sending her back where she came from. I think the only reason she didn't sooner was because she was quite taken with you, Raziel."

"That's it?!" Raziel's white eyes flashed a bit, "You mean, she could have up and left pretty much whenever she wanted?! The lying hussy! She told me she didn't know how to get home!"

It was Kain's turn to snicker at Raziel's dilemma, thinking as he did so _Some things will never change between us._ "Oh, come now, Raziel," he said smugly, "At least that way you had a groupie following you around." Then, suddenly, a thought struck Kain for the first time since entering the cinema. He mentally kicked himself or not wondering about it sooner. "Raziel, if you sacrificed yourself to create the Soul Reaver and are now imprisoned inside the blade...what are you doing here?"

Raziel shoved his outrage aside for the moment and shrugged at Kain. "Animators," he answered, "and developers, and other such people. They made a new me for...Well, for me. You know, for just such an occasion as this..."

The director chuckled and shook her head. "Speaking of which, I have a bit of last minute tweaking to do. You two enjoy yourselves—I presume you know the way out. Oh, and try not to wreck anything...you heard what happened when Croft viewed her last game."

"Oh, yeah," Kain shook his head, "Got mad at that what's-his-face she was working with...I hear Edios just got done rebuilding the theater after that little incident."

"Exactly, so don't make them do it again," Director Henning said, and then stood, "No matter how tempting it may get. Now, if you will excuse me..."

As the director made her way from the cinema, Kain and Raziel exchanged glances.

"What does she mean, 'No matter how tempting it may get'?" Raziel asked, reaching for a half-eaten box of candies labeled "Chocolate Covered Soul Bites". Kain shook his head.

"No clue," he replied, then curled his lip at the box of Soul Reaver candy. "I can't believe you eat that..."

"Hey, this is the first time I've been able to have chocolate in centuries!" Raziel exclaimed. Then, as though to prove his point, he pulled his tabard forward and poured a few chocolate-covered bits of someone's soul down it. He let his tabard fall back into place and looked at Kain. "Besides, it's no worse than asking for extra _blood_on your popcorn, as you did."

Kain smirked and glanced at the empty bucket in the seat next to him. "That I did, and enjoyed it to fullest extent," he turned back to Raziel, "One more time."

"Kain, no!" Raziel groaned and shook his head. "Okay, one more if it'll make you leave me alone. My name is Raziel, his name is Kain—"

"Hey, guys!" came a familiar voice, and both Kain and Raziel's eyes widened as they spun around to look.

Coming towards them, balancing some sort of carbonated drink and a large tub of bloody popcorn as he squeezed between seats, was none other than Janos Audron, who was proud to say he spent his off-hours 100 Hylden Lord Free. "Has it started yet?" he asked curiously as he sat down next to Raziel.

"Has what started yet?" Raziel asked, baffled. "You mean the private screening? It's over, and besides, it was for Kain, Director Henning, and I only..."

"Oh, that was the first one," Janos said as he raised his drink to his lips. After he was done, he wiped his mouth and looked at Raziel. "This screening is for everyone from Nosgoth. Hey, Kain, have you tried this Blood-A-Cola? It's surprisingly refreshing..."

"Everyone...from...Nosgoth?" Kain blinked, shared a concerned glance with Raziel, and then looked back to Janos. "As in...everyone from Defiance?"

Janos laughed and shook his head. "Goodness, no," he said with a chuckle, "No, everyone. From all the games, I hear..."

Raziel and Kain shared another look.

"I think it's time to leave," Raziel said, sounding somewhat urgent.

"Agreed," Kain replied. They got up to walk out, only to see Nupraptor and Ariel walking towards them. Raziel took a moment to wonder how they could stand to look at each other, considering one was dead and half decayed and the other had a giant green head, but then he realized that thought sounded like a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

"That won't work," Kain mumbled, then turned to see that a group of Turelim vampires had already seated themselves in front of them. "That either...Great, now what?"

Raziel looked around, and was shocked to see how rapidly the cinema was filling up. Already he could make out the rest of the Circle of Nine sitting two rows down and to the right, and Vorador discussing something with Sebastian and Marcus three rows down and to the left. Near center, two rows down from Vorador, King Ottomar had set up shop with his entire court, including his daughter. Raziel wondered if Kain even bothered to learn her name before he sent her father off to slaughter in "Blood Omen". "There's no one behind us," he said as he looked behind his seat.

"Go for it," Kain said. They climbed over their own seats into the row behind them, turned and began to run down towards the nearest exit. Unfortunately, that path quickly became blocked by the Elder God's numerous tentacles (his one giant eye fixed firmly on the screen as he waited for the reel to run), and as they tried to figure out another way out, yet another voice made itself known.

"Kain, you dirty, rotten, son of a bitch!"

Kain cringed. He'd recognize that voice anywhere. Warily, he turned towards the sound and saw none other than Umah, the vampire he'd once loved and murdered (as well as dumped into water after being drugged) marching towards them.

Raziel was suddenly glad he'd never killed any of his mistresses before Kain had him executed.

"Uh...er..Umah...Umah!" Kain faked a friendly smile, which was rather bad and made his unease stick out like a sore thumb. "How nice to see you again..."

"Don't give me that shit, you murderous bastard," she growled. "You saved me, you gave me hope, you questioned me...and then you went all crazy and started dancing around like a lunatic singing about hope!! Not to MENTION dropping me to my doom...which you did again later on!"

"I, um, er..." Kain looked about, frantic. His eyes fell on Raziel. "Oh, Umah! Allow me to introduce to you my fallen son, the spirit of the Soul Beaver..."

"Reaver," Raziel quietly interjected.

"...Soul Reaver, Raziel."

"Ha! Your own sword and you can't even say it!" Umah snorted, then turned to Raziel, her demeanor changing so quickly the only word Raziel could thing of to describe it was "bi-polar". "Greetings, Raziel. I am Umah."

"Nice to meet you," Raziel said politely, "I've heard so much about you. All good, of course."

"Damn well better be," Umah snarled and turned back to Kain. "And what do you have to say for yourself, after all these years?? Well???"

Kain, having been caught by surprise by the encounter to begin with, did one of the worst things he possibly could have. He said the first thing that came to mind. "Well, they always told me that Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn..."

"WHAT?!" Umah roared, making both Kain and Raziel cringe. (He wasn't sure, but Kain could have almost sworn he saw the Elder God's eye squint in a cringe as well.)

Just before Umah could really unload on them, Elzevir the Dollmaker ran into the cinema. "Come quick!" he yelled, "Mortanius is fighting Mortanius in the lobby!" There was a great deal of commotion, and then everyone began to file out, even Umah. The statement had been quite the curiosity catalyst, after all, and after a few moments, even Raziel and Kain had to give into temptation and go see.

In a rather large lobby, complete with extensive snack bar (the lettered menu reading "Welcome Nosgoth! Special Prices on Blood-A-Cola, Blood Flavored Cocoa, and Chocolate Covered Soul Bites! Don't forget to get your Reaver Cookies—They're Out of This Realm!"), two strikingly similar figures wrestled each other on the carpeted floor. One was darker, more fragile looking—in fact, he appeared almost to be a corpse though he held his own quite well. The other, however, favored red attire, and looked very human, especially when compared to the other.

"You lying son of a jackal!" the more fragile looking, black-clothed one yelled in a voice so eerily similar to the Elder God's it made Raziel shudder. "I am Mortanius, Guardian of Death!"

The other, fleshier individual laughed as he kneed the former in the gut. "You are old news, old man!" he exclaimed, "They redesigned you, changed your mythos, even took your voice away and gave it to a giant squid! Now **I'm** Mortanius, Guardian of Death!"

"What's going on?" Kain asked, perplexed.

"Well," said the devolved Melchiah beside them, (Raziel suddenly remembered being possessed by Michael Bell's other voices, and knew he could sympathize with the older Mortanius when he heard the Elder God speak), "Apparently, no one introduced Mortanius to...well, Mortanius before tonight, and when he saw the new and improved version...Well, he wasn't happy."

"I bet," said Raziel, sympathetically.

They watched for a few minutes as the two Mortanius' wrestled each other. The crowd began to take sides (the older Mortanius' glee club led by the Elder God, of course, and the newer one's lead by Ariel) and chants began to run through the crowd. A few, namely Moebius and Vorador, placed bets on the outcome. All the while, the situation was escalating.

Plus, Kain reflected, Umah was still running around somewhere.

"We have got to get out of here," Kain said, and looked around. "But most of the crowd is standing in front of the doors. There has to be another way..."

"Well, it's been my experience that if you can't find a way in the Material Realm, you can in the Spectral," Raziel said knowingly.

"Oh, a lot of good that does me," Kain snorted, then blinked. He gave Raziel a wary look. "Unless you're implying what I think you are..."

Not for the first time, Raziel wished he could smirk. Instead, he just held out a clawed hand and said in his best Arnold Schwarzenagger mimic, "Come with me if you want to live."

Kain groaned, but rather than stick around and wait for Umah to find him again, he accepted the offer. As Raziel's energy flowed around them, and their bodies dematerialized as the faded into the Spectral Realm, Kain asked, "I'm going to end up regretting this, aren't I?"

Raziel eyes seemed to brighten. "Oh," he said in a happily smug voice, "probably."

"At least your honest," Kain sighed as he made his first journey into the Spectral Realm hoping it wouldn't also be his last.

**The End**


	12. Thank Yous and Acknowledgements

**Thank Yous, Acknowledgements, And Other Fun Stuff**

Well, there you have it, boys and girls! That's all she wrote (literally), and while I'm glad it's over, I know I'm gonna miss writing it too. But I simply have to take a break for a while; sheesh...life can be so inconvenient. ;-) Before I begin anything else, however, I want to reply to my last reviews, which I didn't do in the Epilogue...

_Smoke: I'm glad you liked the chapter and thought I handled it well. I figured it would be a little...touchy. But I also couldn't resist. After all, what good is a parody if you hold anything to sacred, right? :-) Glad you liked Moebius' little joke, too._

_MortalSora: You know, I think we all wish we had Elder-God-Proof ears sometimes...If Kain were wise, he'd market them. :-P Oh, and Earl (the talking donkey) would like to say that he had nothing to do with the Ozone Layer, it was the ground water he corrupted. Go figure, huh? ;-)_

This parody wouldn't have been possible without the support of the readers, but especially wouldn't have gone any further than a one-chapter parody in the Chronoplast without the reviews. I'd like to give everyone who reviewed this piece a very big, big, BIG thank you: Smoke, Marina Myst, Darster, Tom T Thomson, pinkfuzzyone, Syvia, Komikitty, VladamirsAngel, HealerAriel, JesterasteJ, MortalSora, Omega XSabre, The Final, Rose Akaichou, Abbil, Semdai, Hanzao, Raid-Scion-Of-Randomness, and Killer Doll Prototype 5. If ever I am sued by Crystal Dynamics, I'm blaming the lot of you. :-P

Also, I should acknowledge that I (of course) do not know Legacy of Kain, any of the titles in the series, nor any of the characters, plot lines, etc. I do not own Silicon Knights, Eidos Interactive or Crystal Dynamics—if I did, do you REALLY think I'd be writing fan fiction? I'm just an obsessed fan with a sick sense of humor. I also do not own, nor have I written or performed "Blazing Saddles" (Mel Brooks), "(Can't Get No) Satisfaction" (The Rolling Stones), "Hope of Deliverance" (Paul McCartney), "YMCA" (The Village People), "The Terminator" (James Cameron), "Mortal Combat" (who in the blue hell knows) or any other multimedia reference made. Oh, and by the way, I have never met and so have no personal connection with Amy Henning, Dennis Dyack, Glen A. Schofeild, Michael Bell, Simon Templeman, Tony Jay, Rene Auberjonois, Alastair Duncan, or anyone else involved in the making of the "Legacy of Kain" games, and so I am very appreciative that none of you have sued me and hope to stay that way. I imagine that either none of these people have ever read this (likely), or that they have an excellent sense of humor. Keep in mind, it's all said with love. :-) I don't even take full credit for Razielia; after all, if Michael Bell hadn't been acting goofy in front of a camera, she never would have seen the light of day.

Speaking of Razielia, the Drag Reaver is not meant to insult or offend any group or groups of people. As I said earlier, nothing is sacred in a good parody, and she's mainly there for the extra comedy. I mean, let's think about it: doesn't Raziel in drag with a high-pitched girl voice sound funny to you? It does to me, so don't sweat it, k? It's all fun and games.

And now, for anyone patient enough to have read through all that, some previews should ever my pen find itself writing LOK fan-fiction again...

_Parodies:_

**Mega WVGCAATAL: Raziel vs The Sarafan Inquisitors**

Janos Audron is dead. The Reaver blade has been stolen. Now, only Raziel the Soul Reaver, fallen son of Kain, is the only one who can right these wrongs. Presuming, of course, he can get past a half-baked paladin, an idiotic Time Guardian, Sarafan on strike, and not to mention Razielia the Drag Reaver. My, oh my, what is a reaver of souls to do?? Other than threaten everyone with his or her lives and hide behind the director, of course...

**Legacy of Koein: Drag Reaver**

Once upon a time, in a reality far, far away, Pretty Crystal Dynamics (a subsidiary of Adios Interactive) publishes a video game unlike any other. Based on "Blood and Fashion Omen: Legacy of Koein" (by Silicone Knights), the game takes place in a time when homosexual vampires rule supreme under the leadership of their Lord and Soul Sista, Koein. By his side, his six vampiric, drag queen children stand, the oldest of which is Razielia. But after her sire and mentor betrays her, forcing her into a transformation from homosexual vampire to transsexual drag reaver, she is forced to roam the country side in order to talk some sense into that over-reacting hussy, righting fashion wrongs and going postal on the candy ass of her bitch sisters in the process. Rated S for Silly.

_Adventure/Romanace:_

**Among Vampires**

Before he was the great Necromancer of the Circle of Nine, Mortanius was just a young villager with a strange gift that alienated him from the rest of the village. But after he is kidnapped and taken to the Citadel of the Vampires, he discovers he is a lot more than different: he is the Guardian of the Pillar of Death. Under the guidance of the vampire Balance Guardian, Sekree Gorphin, and the Tenth Guardian, Janos Audron, he and the other human Guardians are taught the history of Pillars (though they believe it to be little more than fairy tales) and how to hone their skills so that they may better serve their Pillars. But what happens when the Guardians begin to disagree with the teachings of their vampire captures and masters? Join Mortanius as he discovers his powers as a Necromancer, the horrors of a vampire's way of life, the wonders of human spirit, and the fall of the vampire reign, thanks to himself and the work of a former thief turned Time Guradian, Moebius.

**The War of the Black Queen** _(title subject to change)_

Vorador was the first vampire made, but he was hardly the last. The second made was Morreena, the Black Queen of The North Termogent Forest. She and Vorador were always at ends as fledglings, and when they grew older and began 'families' of their own, they're dislike grew into a full out war long before the time of the original Sarafan Order. Their war forced them to hold certain admiration for the other in time and, deep within their secret hearts, even a small amount of love for each other, despite their hatred. For this reason, Vorador is determined to make Morreena one of his wives; Morreena, however, would like to see nothing better than Vorador's head on a spike. Guided for good or for ill from time to time by the third made, the prophet (and coward) Drevion, they wage their war, unmindful of the damage they inflict upon their race and uncaring if the outcome spells vampiric doom.

That's really all I have to say...So I hope to see you around, somewhere, sometime. Adios amigos!

Now and Forever,

Tommi the Tomlette


End file.
